Borderline Verbal Abuse?

I've had many a-shitty boyfriends in my life. All I have stayed with because I always have the "it will get better" attitude. I guess I'm 24 years old and I still don't know how to value myself. I may have lost 77 pounds, but I'm still 300 pound Cindy. Its a fucking tragedy that what I thought would give me lots of confidence...just hasn't. On to the story...

I have a boyfriend, almost 2 months in. He's sweet and kind, and he takes care of me. He makes me laugh and I feel strongly for him. But he has another side to him...one that makes me cry. One that tears me so far apart that it smashes my face on the pavement.

Sometimes I feel like he's playing some sick game with my emotions to see how far I am able to go. How long I am able to last. Throws around the comment, "If you can't deal with me then you don't have to be with me" How the FUCK is that supposed to make me feel, special? Like I'm fucking priceless? More like I'm fucking stupid replaceable bitch who just happens to be there.

And then even if he's wrong he just wants to wash his hands of it. Points the finger toward me...makes me out as the bad guy EVERY TIME. I'm a very resiliant person, I think. I may cry, and may pout, but at the end of the day I'm still standing. I feel like he's taking a bat to my legs every time he hurts me with his words.

Then I just start thinking, "Would Juan ever do this to me?"And then I feel even more terrible because I know that he wouldn't. Four fucking years and I still miss him. I wish I wish I found somebody that loved me the way he did, unconditionally, and completely devoted to me because he loved me, truly loved me.

I fucked him over so bad that karma is just fucking me 69 times.

He's somebody else, I am somebody else

As you all know I suck at life, and everything along with it. At this moment I am fighting sleep because I just feel like torturing myself, when my body is telling me to go to sleep. I spoke to Michelle about the subject further. She advised that I should get over it...again and again. I was convinced. Truly convinced. And I was serious about it. Putting Juan in the back of my mind is the best thing. You know it, she knows it, and I know it, hell the old lady down the street probably knows it too.

Right now, I feel like I can't. I want to call that person and ask about Juan. I want to call Juan to see if his number works. I want to just STOP. Its hard. I don't know how. I want to be free of this. I've been "loving" him too long. bur I don't want to love somebody else. I'm stubborn and I hate it. I hate myself for being this way because I cant stop myself. I cant imagine somebody else living up to my expectations and I cant imagine loving somebody else the way I loved him. I want to put these feelings in a lock box, forget the combination and throw it in a bottomless pit. I want it to stop haunting me, him, the mistakes, the lies, the heart ache. I want to forget that it even happened. Now, my pain meds have worn off and I want to cry some more. great.

I know that I'm not the same person I was nearly 4 years ago. I'm not the same. He's also not the same person. Things along the way have probably changed us...I don't know. I'm not what he wants...a liar, a deceitful liar. I wish he would have just gotten to now the "real" me from the beginning, and not something fabricated from my mind.

If I could go back in time, I don't know what route I would have taken.
A. Shown the real me
B. Never have gotten so close to him
C. Ended it differently

it all doesn't matter...why obsess? why think about it? why waste time? why not move on? why not love somebody else? I guess what upsets me more is that I'm NEVER going to see him, I'm never going to hug him, I'm never going to kiss him, I'm never going to hear sweet things from him ever...NEVER, EVER.

I'm broken. I'm defective. I'm no good. I'm a failure. I'm so depressed. I am somebody else, a very sad version of myself.

Different perspective

I told my friend Michelle about my crazed feelings last night, and this is what she wrote to me:

Oy, i think it is really hard when you love someone that much and things end in a weird way. i dont think its crazy. My major ex of 8 years, we broke up 1.5 years ago, and haven't talked since january, and honestly i still think of him often..... the thing is this. its done and over with and think about how different you are from 4 years ago - he is also a different man now. you are becoming an even different version of yourself, and when you are ready you are going to meet someone completely wonderful and amazing, that deserves you. i think i know how you feel. even writting this now, i am thinking about joel, and if it would work if we got back together..... but i guess at the end of the day things end for one reason or another and its over. we are both making such huge changes in our lives and we have to move forward. its a weird thing being in love. there is a book i really love and he sums it up perfectly.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

it is right isn't it ?
we both need to let go of those people and love them for who they were, but move along.

xo

More thoughts on this later

Just cry it out

Wow, another depressing blog, Cindy? Yeah pretty much. I should rename the blog Cinders' depressing blogs about obesity, and some guy named Juan.

All of the sudden, I just felt like crying...and crying, and crying some more. I feel like I've built up my life to revolve around those months with Juan, and its driving me insane. I can't do it anymore. Can I put it in a box, lock it up, and put it away? no. I'm not capable of closing that chapter in my life.

Esteban asked me, "Do you know if he has a girlfriend now?" Hell no. Would I want to know? No. I could only imagine how devastated I would be. I know that its normal for people to move on, and have their lives, but I don't want him to...or I want to pretend like he hasn't.

And again I went on a google rampage... Jan 9, 2010 in Houston selling parts through a guy named Bryan's houston-import board thing. Same number. I hyperventilated. Why? I don't know. Maybe I thought that he actually still lived here. Now, I feel very dizzy, and nauseous.

Overeating

Love?

Fucking Fantastic

Anxiety

I'm feeling more and more out of control of my emotions. I don't like it very much. I feel so out of whack, so not myself. Or maybe being upset is how I am. I don't know anymore. I just breathe. What else is there to do in life? Well what else is there to do in my life?

I'm not sleeping very well. Actually I'm not sleeping at all.

Not driving is depressing me as well. I get really bad anxiety when somebody else is driving my car like my heart is beating ot of my chest. I'm just quite a mess right now.

Another one of those days

That I feel like I should have somebody, but I don't. I don't have anybody. If I go to the hospital today, I won't have a boyfriend come to my aid. I've been single for such a long time that I don't know what its like anymore.

Last night, Esteban told me he likes me...which should make me happy but it doesn't. Sure, it boosts my self esteem, but I can't do much with that info. Jonathan keeps trying to be my boyfriend, but I don't care about him. I dangle him around just because I can. I'm a bitch and I know this. Maybe that's why I'm alone. Karma is getting me.

With all this tak about abortion...and how drastically I have changed my views on it...its got me thinking.
That one I don't want a child but that two I want a significant other. I'm 24 going on 25. My best friend is married and I'm not. There are so many people on my FB that have changed their last name just this year its crazy.

I want to experience life with somebody else. It just makes me miss Juan more. We were just talking about the perfect relationship...ugh. I'm a broken record I know.

I'm doing the same thing I did with Esteban...obsess. Not healthy. I have nothing going for me so what else can I do?

Ugh...the day I feel like crying Monica came to sleep on my bed...

Up and DOWN...

Wedding

Shani got married this weekend. I had fun...it was cool, but there were a couple of things that I was not ok with.

1. Maid of Honor - I had the feeling in the back of my mind, and it was pressing me more and more as the date got closer. While we were in SA Shani kind of lost disconnect with her other friend, and well we remained the same. So, I guess since we lived far away this year, we disconnected. So, Friday during the rehearsal, it was made CLEAR that I was just bridesmaid number two and not "maid of honor," and I'm going to be honest it hurt my feelings. I mean, my friends can all have other friends. Of course life doesn't revolve around me, but for you supposed best friend to have another best friend thats more important than you is not cool. IDK it feels weird to be second place while you hold that person first. I was guessing SHE would me MY maid of honor, but I don't know if that is the case now. I know its petty, but...but I have no excuse for my way of thinking at this moment. I felt embarrassed, and I hated that everybody kept asking me, "Oh I thought YOU were going to give a speech" when I wasn't even given the opportunity to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

2. Tennessee - I was anxious to meet the guys from Tenn. but I also knew they were WHITE. I have my white friends that I love. I think I've had more white friends now than I've ever had, but "new" white people can always pose a problem, and all minorities are aware of this. The hot guy's girlfriend seemed disgusted by the fact that we were "Mexican" which I am NOT. Its funny how I am so offended by being called Mexican, but not offended when people think I am Euro or Asian. haha its funny how people perceive me to be different race/ethnicity except my own. Anyway, the guys also didn't introduce themselves accordingly. Weren't they supposed to be southern gentlemen? So, it started off wrong. I was sure that I was gonna beat somebody down. It was just awkward. We gave them all horrible nicknames like boobies, and ball sack. In the end I only like two of em, and I still crushed on the cute guy along with the rest of the wedding party.

3. it was hot

4. Too many Amens - All of us could not feel our feet for the rest of the night, and I even switched to sandals.

5. That hoe bag didn't want to give me more vodka...what I bitch. I was like, "THIS BITCH MUST NOT KNOW ME!" lmao.

on the other hand
On the POSITIVE note

1. Pudding shots that we made were fucking delicious...omg!

2. I looked good in my dress, AND it didn't fit anymore - too big. 30 lb makes a big difference.

3. My makeup was ON point

4. Mayra and Allyson's makeup was on point because of me, and everybody noticed.

5. Shani was on point because of the dress I pulled...it def looked good.

6. The food was good, both appetizers and entree. I didn't have a cupcake cause I won't have bread...or I shouldn't but the bro said it was delicious.

7. Free booze. enough said.

8. nice scenery for candid and posed photos (was at marina/dock area)

Normal

I have lost 30 pounds, and I'm not happy. I know that I should be because it's a big deal. For some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be happy. If I said I lost 100 pounds I still wouldn't be completely happy. You know why? Because I will still be fat. FAT FAT FAT. I still won't be a normal person in society...I will still be fat.

I don't know what to think...and I feel like I can't talk to anybody because I just can't. It's hard to lose weight. There is so much sacrifice involved in it, and it's just rocky.

Idk...I missed out on so many things by being fat. I am upset because I can't have those opportunities ever again. They're gone! I'm just out there floating around...with no clear direction and no plan. I always have a fucking plan. I am lost. I am at a stand still.

I only blog when I am upset...I realize this haha. I do have good times...lol.

But back to the depressing stuff.

Maybe another aspect of not being happy with my weight loss is that I feel like I look the same. I don't think I look any thinner, or slimmer or anything. I look the same. I am not happy with making the sacrifices that I am making just so that the scale can tell me that I have lost weight but for my closet to tell me I am the same. It's just not right. Nobody has noticed...nobody has said anything. Well, except for Rebecca cause she WOULD tell me something lol she's just nice like that.

Ok my head hurts from crying and my eyes feel super dry...off to sleep I go.

All over the place

Look at it for Hours

I don't really open my iPhoto program unless I am uploading photos, or it automatically does it when I sync my iPad. Today, I was going to click on my iMovie, but instead I accidentally clicked on iPhoto, and I just left it open. When I filmed a fail blog (the sound of the my fan and the computer fan made it sound like poison for the ears, and I am half deaf), I deleted it and started painting my nails. Then, I was closing windows cause I'm OCD about too many windows, and up came iPhoto. The only photos I have of Juan are in the second album because they are earlier pictures.

I always examine this specific picture. I could look at it for hours. I guess I want to hold on. No, I DO want to hold on. I have fantastic, amazing, fabulous, lovely memories with him, and this is NORMAL...right? I don't now what is normal and not normal.

I've had a busy month. I've had so many other things on my mind that have taken any over mental thought space that I can have. I can't say that I miss him with the intensity that I usually miss him, but I do. I've simply just had other things that were more pressing to think about.

I can't make much of it. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that I do not think of him with longing, and sadness and everything else thats wrapped up in the act of fuckery that I placed myself in nearly 4 years ago. OMG four years, and I'm still not fully over it. When I attach years to it like that I feel so dumb. I know that sometimes people live decades upon decades loving somebody they cannot have, but Its dumb to me. Its unacceptable.

I feel like I have my arms stretched out with my heart in my hands offering it over to him, but he won't take it. He doesn't want it. He doesn't even see it.

Esteban says that I need to stop blaming myself for everything wrong that happened after the breakup. I simply don't see it that way. It was my fault we broke up. It is my fault that he doesn't speak to me now. I fucked up. I did. Not him.

Fucking fantastic.

I just said that I wasn't thinking about it, about him, but now I am. I have tortured myself yet again. I allow myself to cry from time to time, but NEVER will I allow it to tear me down completely like it has in the past.

____________________________________

5 minutes later...
Thank you Cindy of October 2010 for posting a video to put things back into perspective.

Vlogging Vlog VLOG

Dbag switch

 While I was filming this video my brother had a talk with my parents about going to the early college high school. We had BEGGED him to go, but he didn't budge. Now its too late to apply. My mom let my dad know of that fact, ans they had a fight about it.

D: why aren't you ever supportive?!
M : Me not supportive? You should take a look at your own actions!
D: What is that supposed to mean?
M: Cindy told you she was graduating and you were an ass to her
D: Why are you bringing up other things into the conversation? It isn't relevant.

WTF? he's an idiot sometimes.

The Streets of Mumbai

Better late than never :)
I was in Mumbai on January 4th, 2011...I think this was actually the 5th or 6th not sure. Nonetheless here is some footage of that day. We decided to take a tour, but I didn't even capture anything from the looks of it. ugh I need to import some more foortage it seems!

Three Story house

I guess I've had other things on my mind that I completely forgot to even blog about this. I mean I could say that it wasn't important to me to even mention it, but that would be a lie since I remember telling myself the whole morning, "DON'T FORGET THIS DREAM! REPLAY IT REPLAY IT!"

I think it was last week. The whole dream isn't in my mind anymore, I just remember fragments of it. So, the dream was about Juan. The first house we lived in in Texas was a two story house. you could see the stars there because we lived next to open fields, and I think in that area, there is a lot of cattle. Next to the house there was a little space between the brick and the fence where there were banana leaves. The stupid things never actually made bananas, but nonetheless they were there.

So, in my dream I was sitting there, in that area between the fence and the neighbor's fence. It was dark and I was looking up at the stars. I looked down at myself and I was thin, and petite which will never happen since I am 5'7" I had a notebook with me, a pair of binoculars and headphones on. I could see my neighbor's house that was three stories (our actual neighbors were elderly, and had a one story house that was pink). The house was white, and every floor was a different room. I could see clearly into the rooms because They didnt have a back wall, they had a back window. The top floor had Juan's parents, the 2nd floor was Juans room, third floor was Juan's little brother and then there was a small house in the backyard that was his sisters.

I saw him in his room, but he looked different. He looked dorky, and unkept. He was wearing this heavy blue hoodie, and glasses. He was slightly overweight, and I didn't understand. In the dream, I was thinking to myself, "I have the wrong guy. Thats not him" I felt the feeling of ewww that can't be him...thats gross. I kept watching him, and he walked up to his parents bedroom. I kept staring at him with my binoculars, and said, "No, that is him" and I went through this mental process in my mind that his outer appearance would never change his personality. But I think I was still put off by it. I had made up my mind that I was just gonna go for it.

As I got up to go somewhere else...I think to his house, I saw a bright light flash. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them I saw him as I remember him from this picture he has (wearing this dark green shirt...idk) extending a hand to me to help me up. Then my alarm went off and I woke up.

I wish I knew what dreams meant...

Flirting Creep

FM(financial)L

Night Night

I had terrible sleep last night. I just couldn't fall asleep with that ridiculous head gear on. how could it ever be accurate if its so uncomfortable?!?!

I watch a lot of YouTube videos...that goes without saying! A lot of beauty videos in particular with a splash of Shane Dawson and Philip DeFranco, and the occasional WhatTheBuck. Anyway, there is this tag going around in the beauty community called the "Husband/Boyfriend tag." The chic usually asks her dude random questions about their relationship and about herself to see how much she knows about her. Blah Blah I recently subscribed to this chic that I do not remember her YT name...anyway, her husband had a strong resemblance to Juan...just like a thinner version. And then last week in San Antonio, I saw a waiter from far away that reminded me of him as well. I freaked so bad. When he finally came up close his name tag read David and he was pretty short. So, I felt pretty embarrassed. Even though I didn't raise any alarms to Shani or Sunita, but I think HE noticed.

Today, I watched the Fountain, and as I have mentioned before the Fountain CD was the one that played over and over when we broke up. I seriously think somebody took it and threw it away because I cannot find it anywhere. And of course, when i see the fountain I only see two scenes, and I'm done with it. I have seriously watched those two scenes a million times. However, I've only seen the whole movie twice.

So to wrap this up, I felt weird today. Sad? Yes. Crying? Not Really. I know that I will never escape the memory of him. That's just a fact. He's in my veins, and I will never be able to drain him out. I don't like thinking about him because then I make up stories in my mind as to what we would be like right now. Obviously, I paint all stories with him as the best stories ever. We would be the cookie cutter couple that loves each other, and it shows while making everybody else puke from the jealousy.

In the video I saw (partially! cause I'm not that emotionally involved with this YTer yet) that they looked into each other's eyes...all googley like (insert jealous gag here) and kissed. I wondered if anybody in my future will give me that kind of loving gaze. Some people take that for granted...I know I did.

Maybe I will learn to appreciate my next mate...who knows really. Cheers to being single for a year and 4 months? Ugh, whatever.

Sleep Apnea

 

Mr. Felix!

SA Bound on Friiiday

Get it Done

It's April 2nd

Adele is amazing

Picture credit : itunes

I copied this photo from itunes...I fell in LOVE with her makeup. I think I will try to recreate tomorrow :)

I love how I can related to this song...especially when she said, "I can imagine being about 40 and looking for him again and turning up being settled and having a beautiful wife and beautiful kids and is completely happy, and I'm still on my own"

When I knew Juan he was 22-24. Then he said he would never get married, but things/thoughts change and thats exactly what will happen. He will be 40 with kids and a wife, happy without me.

That's what I'm in to

Unecessary

And whats with my face not matching my body...I have gotten darker NOOOOOO

Don't judge me!

Tone-Deaf

Yesterday, in the middle of my boredom, I started going through my ipod purchases. Apparently I had forgotten what I have bought. Anyway, I got the idea to auto tune myself using garage band.

I got all into it, singing as if I were a freakin' diva. Then I went to apply the autotune on my recording. Funny thing happened...I still sucked. lol

It reminded me of back in '07-'08 when Shani and I were living in our apartment. We were so obsessed with SingStar. We would play it almost EVERY DAY. We'd just be sitting there, and then all of the sudden, "Lets play SingStar!"

So, one day Shani and I were playing, and Steven calls. I didn't want to NOT answer him because I knew he was going to call back ANYWAY...3 million other times. I was singing a duet and when it was her turn. I say, "I'm sorry babe. I'm playing sing star. Can I call you back?" Then he responds, "No, Its ok. I love when you're singing. It lets me know you're happy"

WEIRRRDDD...that I remember that.

Now, I'm thinking to myself. How could anybody love my singing? Though it was cute...in a way. I guess I remembered that cause AT THE TIME he was the only person who loved my lack of talent.

Shit all over me

On Tuesday, my mom had a hysterectomy. The day started off fine. Her procedure took longer than expected because of "chocolate" as Dr. Simotas explained. Her masses were spread out to one of her ovaries, and it burst. The "chocolate" was actually dried/old blood. The doctor also explained that she had endometriosis - which means that I ALSO have it because its genetic. I looked it up, and I have all the symptoms of pre-endometriosis. I don't want to go into details...but it kinda makes me sad. I mean my mom never had the woman troubles that I had until 2 years ago, but I've had them since the beginning of my "womanhood." IDK, I don't want to end up old and childless because I won't be able to carry.

Anyway, once my mom got to her room, the doctor and the nurse explained that she was going to be tired. They asked us to give her space, and let her rest. All my aunts wanted to do was hover over her. Their phones kept going off and waking her up. I asked then to put them on silent several times. They finally did when my mom told them. I said, "The light is probably bothering her" They brushed me off, and my mom then said to turn off the lights. The doctor said that she shouldn't eat much cause she was going to throw up. I told grandma, and she got angry with me. My mom kept saying no, but grandma kept pushing it. She ended up throwing up. What a fucking surprise.

When we finally decided to get lunch. I said we should go out and get something. It was about 3, and the nurse said she would come to at around 8. One hour wasn't going to make a difference. They gave me a nasty look, and said, "We didn't come here to eat." They ended up with nasty and expensive cafeteria food that they didn't even eat. I had no idea that they had gotten bad food, and I said, "Man that steak was GREAT!" Again, I got a cutting remark as if I knew that they had shitty food.

The day before she left the hospital, there was a lot of people in the room. Her day nurse, Dawn was amazing, but the afternoon nurses were always different. That particular day, the night nurse never checked up on my mom. My mom then started yelling at ME specifically because I hadn't called the nurse in. How was I supposed to know when her pill was supposed to be given? Since she yelled at me, I asked her to use the button. She did, and then kept bitching at me. I HATE that she acts like she doesn't know how to speak English when she's FLUENT, VERY FLUENT. All the nurses, and the doctor herself told her that her English was PERFECT. It annoys the hell out of me how she cuts herself down a notch and expects me to pull her slack.

The nurse came in and said she hadn't gotten briefed by Dawn yet. 15 minutes later She yelled at me again, and again I told her to use the button. She got her nurses' attention the first time, why wouldn't it work the second time? Well that time the nurse didn't come in. And yes, I admit that I was being a pain, but it pissed me off how there were 8 people in that fucking room, and I was the only one getting bitched at. Did anybody else get up and ask? NO. That time everybody talked shit to me and only me. Really? I wasn't the only one with a mouth there.

So immediately after that, I LEFT. I wasn't going to stand there and let them speak to me that way. The damn nurse was with another patient. It wasn't even my fault, but of course they made it my fault.

The next morning I got up put a robe on and dropped off my bro and my grandma. I came back home to nap, and an hour later my mom called me to pick her up. I said, "I'm gonna call you as soon as I'm 15 minutes away" Then again she bitched at me and yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!? YOU HAVE TO COME UP HERE!!" I said fine, ok. and took it. Once I got to the hospital she called again to tell me nevermind, it wasn't as many things as she though she had.

Once we got home, my grandma started arguing with me as to what Endometriosis was when I was the one who heard the ENGLISH speaking doctor talk about it, and later looked it up. She was yelling at me telling me she was right. By this time I was fucking pissed. I had about had it with all of them. So, I didn't back down, and instead pulled up a Spanish website that explained it. She shut right up.

I picked up my brother and expressed my anger. He then told me that before I woke up that morning, She was telling him, "You should NEVER be like your sister!" And all this bullshit. My brother knows me best out of EVERYONE in my family. I spend the most time with him, and he knows me so well. I am the nicest to him out of everyone because he's my little brother. He's the only one I have and I love him very much. My brother and I are very different. So, he will NEVER be like me. He has a softer demeanor and will rather not make a person feel bad than win an argument. I, on the other hand, will NOT give up on what I believe in. I will express my opinion when I see it fit. That was just the last fucking straw. I'm so sick of people telling my brother bad things about me. I don't have a damn filter. I ADMIT it. I am not as nice, nor am I people pleasing as they would like me to be. I also admit that. I'm not the greatest example, the greatest role model, but I wasn't planning on being one.

Then today...my aunt dropped off my two cousins. I was planning on going grocery store shopping, but they arrived. Then my uncle called and asked if it was ok to stop by. I wanted to hear the conversation...which I didn't but still lol. They haven't spoken to each other in years. So, again I postponed my grocery run. My uncles wife then decided to give one of my cousins milk. She didn't ask for milk and we didn't even have milk. My mom then started yelling at me again, saying that Valerie was hungry. Then I heard her on the phone saying, "THIS one hasn't gone to get the groceries, of course" In that derogatory tone that she always uses.

I got up and took em to get food because I had to do Karen's makeup and hair. We brought the food back, and Valerie wasn't even hungry. Karen begged her to eat, but she was like NO. Then she went crying to my mom to turn on the TV for her (netflix actually with the backyardigans). She yelled at me again, and I said, "She needs to eat something before she can watch TV" She responded with, "Who do you think you are? Do you think you're with the kids from work?" and I said, "All kids are the same mom. You can't just reinforce her behavior. That's why she always pulls it cause she knows she can get away with it" Its true. I've explained this concept to my brother, and he has picked up on it. I'm very proud. He also picks up on makeup application. lol. Idk if I should be proud of that one. I just hope his gf knows how to properly apply makeup. Anyway, she told that I had no idea how to raise children...blah blah. Later, Valerie started crying again. Karen told her to eat and she didn't. Then I used my mommy voice, and told her to grab the other chair and eat. She did as I asked without a peep. If it would have been anybody else, Valerie would have kept on crying. Karen said that whenever she cries they just automatically give in. Heeeelll to the nah. Thats exactly why she does that.

I don't read minds. My mom didn't tell me she was hungry. There wasn't any milk but there was plenty of chicken, and lettuce in the house. But when my aunt and grandma came in the house, again she said, "THIS ONE hasn't gotten the groceries!" with her fucking tone. She eats chicken and lettuce on a DAILY basis. Again I got dirty looks.

I'm tired of it. It has definitely taken a toll on me. I do have a rock hard exterior, but that doesn't mean I'm ok with people shitting all over me just for trying to give my mom space and rest, or trying to feed my aunts good food, or because some nurse hadn't made her rounds, or not reading minds. My grandma trying to manipulate all my damn decisions for the week to favor her were not pleasing either.

These are the times when I wish I lived far away, and I was just the daughter who had responsibilities. They liked me a lot better when I didn't live here.

The Exciting Part, and the Not so exciting

Starting off right???

I have started the first day off right. I noticed that the most used pink lipstick is my MAC Angel, naturally. That color is beautiful, and everyone should own such a nice color. I mean even that fabulous slut Kim Kardashian loves it. ALSO, I had this sample of Stila One Step Makeup, and its FABBBB. Its in the color DARK - which is a a shade too dark for me, but it'll do for just a test run. It feels really good on my skin. It blends like a dream. Its about medium buildable coverage, but maybe it has that coverage cause its darker than my actual skin tone. The price is 44.00 and Dropping 44 big ones is a BIG deal.



I'm obsessed with the Illamasqua blushes that I bought off of two blog sales. They are UHHH-MAIZZ-ING! I bought the Wonder Woman MAC blushes around the same time, and to be honest I haven't worn them. I just took 'em out of the box, and depotted one to put my MSF in it lol. Its a pretty compact! What can I say?!?

I'm trying to see how the eff I should style these damn bangs but I think I am failing hahaha. And on a disgusting note my scalp has been extremely dry. I feel like AHHH!

Eyes:
MUFE Aqua Cream #1 as a base in the outer corner
Urban Decay Naked Palette :)

• Lid : Toasted
• Crease : Naked
• Outer V : Dark Horse
• Highlight : Virgin

MAC Feline eyeliner

Face
Stila One Step Foundation
Benefit Gilded pencil as a highlight
Illamasqua Thrust Blush
Benefit Hoola Bronzer

Lips:
MAC Angel Lipstick

Makeup Resolutions for 2011

I know its about to be March, but I need to put some goals down via typing in cyberspace. I want to tackle makeup this year because I spend excessive amounts of money on it. I tend to repurchase the same thing in different packaging, or things that are VERY similar to each other.

Ok so here it goes

1. No More Pink lipstick. I have ENOUGH! Whenever me and Luisa go to MAC she says, "OF COURSE you bought that one...its PINK" Its true, same shit different name.
2. No more pink blush, I have 7 different ones, and I have fallen in love with my Illamasqua ones. That's all I need thats pink.
3. I have to finish 2 lipglosses within the year. B2M the rest.
4. Stop buying lipgloss, no matter how pretty it looks!
5. No more mascara until I'm done with all my stash. I have about 5 still in packaging.
6. Finish/Hit pan on at least 6 more things this year (not including the 2 lipglosses. In the year I have already hit pan and/or finished 4 things, I had hit pan once and finished a MSF previously...but that took FOREVER. Saying that, Its taken me 3 years to finish 6 things out of the insane amount I already have.
• Things on this list are : a pink or nude lipstick, Bare Minerals foundation should be done by summer, NARS sheer matte should be done in a month, Smashbox HD concealer should be finished in the month or less as well, any mascara, & Urban Decay eyeliner in zero

I don't

I hate when I have inner dialogue about make believe conversations that will never happen. As if I were a masochist reopening wounds that need not be reopened.

If I die tomorrow, he will never know how much I loved him, and if he knew, would he even care? I bet he would think I am a psycho with no sense.

I feel like I'm abnormal. I long for a normal life with normal things, normal people, and normal feelings. I am behind on life. I haven't graduated. I don't have a significant other. I don't have a significant other and a child. I don't even think I will get married. I don't think I will even have a child.

its hard not being able to speak to anybody honestly about the way I feel. I've worked extremely hard to keep a hard outer shell. I don't know, maybe I don't want anybody to think that I am weak and frail.

Blog sale :)

I'm up at 620 am because I just got finished setting up a cosmetics blog sale on my other blog CinderSnap :)

blogging later? maybe?

Last Night

Last night I had a great time with my friend Maggie. I texted her in the morning while I was at a workshop at UH and she suggested that we hang out. Well, since I've been a social hermit, I had to take the offer. lol She took me around bars in Montrose, and she knows SOOOO many people its crazy! We had looong conversations about what is currently happening, and how everything is so fucked up.

She told me about changes in her life, and how everything is ten times better. She also told me crazy stories about each and every person she introduced me to. It was weird. I guess since she's older than me she's lived more lol.

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Now, Its Valentines day. I have to keep getting reminded because I forget. I guess this day would be more of a big deal if A - I had a BF B - I would be upset that I didn't have a BF or C - if I worked for a company that specialized in holidays. Like yesterday I walked into a bar, and there was pink red and white balloons everywhere. I was like what's going on? It took me a good 10 minutes, and after reading a promo card that I realized that they were celebrating V-day. idk...I've been so busy with School this week, and this whole year has been pretty out of whack for me since I went to India.

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This whole day I've wanted to make out with somebody. Not like...making out to lead into sex, but just make out, maybe feel somebody close to me. Its a weird feeling. I dont particularly like it since I have no one to make out with lmao.

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I was speaking to Esteban Friday night, and I HATE when we talk about "us." Its awkward, and sometimes uncomfortable. It just comes up at times, and its not like I'm gonna ignore it. the US conversations is the whole reason why I kind of just avoid him at all costs. He says, "Things would be so different if we would have ended up together" and its completely true. Maybe we would have worked out and I wouldn't have met Juan because I wouldn't have dated that idiot Aaron. (its funny how ONE choice would have changed the WHOOOLLE chain of events) Not meeting Juan would either be a good thing or a bad thing. I could have been better off. However, I could have never experienced a relationship quite like that...or who fuckin knows. Maybe the relationship with Esteban would have been that way. We get along perfectly, and he never fails to entertain me. BUTTTT as I have already experienced - A great friendship does NOT equal a great relationship (i.e. Steven)

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and lastly...I looked up Eminem after the grammys and is label had signed this guy...
I watched the vid and I was like...uhh no I can't take this guy seriously, but if I dont see him...I kinda dig it. The song's been in my head!!

Changes

I always thought that I was open for changes in my life, or in anything in general, but like most people, I find changes to be both aggravating and scary.

Was that a long run-on? probably.

I always thought that I had a close knit of friends, and now all I have is a loose scatter of acquaintances. My best friends have turned to people I see on occasion. I was thinking about sushi this whole week. I REALLY wanted some.

Then I started wondering..."who should I invite with me?"
Shani? No...she will probably give me - I'm on a diet. I don't have gas. I don't have money.
Mayra? No...she always falls through with her plans, and seems to be more snobby than ever.
Mario? No...I haven't seen him since last year in November
Vanessa? Uh...thats just complicated, and she has two jobs, and a bf
Joseph? No...
Gaby? nope too broke
Iveth? Nah...probably spending her last days with her bf until his month tour

actually Joseph is the closest thing to a best friend that I've had recently. He was the only one interested in my India trip, and also lent me his train case because I didn't have the darker range of foundations. Oh and also Luisa because we're basically on the same boat. Returning to Houston hasn't actually been too kind. We had this like 2 hour conversation over how people have changed since high school, and everybody does their own thing now.


Maybe I'm not friendly enough. Maybe I'm not approachable. Maybe I just dont let much of my personality out among strangers. Maybe I just like sulking in my own misery to make shit happen.

Either way I am still alone, and it sucks. I want to have a awesome time in my 20s and it doesnt seem like I am.

Both sides suck

the audio is all weird...as if I were LOUD

Yellow Fields

This travel blog photo's source is TravelPod page: Move along folks, nothing here to see.

While traveling from Jaipur to New Delhi via bus, I saw these fields. I think theyre like oil fields or something. This isnt my own photo, but it is from this area. I probably saw this exact spot along the way. Then this started playing on my ipod.



and it evoked such emotion...I seriously wanted to cry. I imagined running through this field in a black dress with Juan in this button down shirt that he had...that he looked so hot in. And laying there having a picnic as the sun was going down. It kept replaying over and over, bot of us smiling and laughing and kissing and holding hands, and ugh.

Even in India, I couldn't escape him, and it SUCKED.

It made me wish that it was true...it made me wish I had started vlogging in 2007. I would have so many more memories than what I have of him. Then I wouldnt have forgotten how his voice of his laugh sounded like.

Confetti Cupcake

I love watching her videos she's funny, and charismatic :)
I also hate poetry, but I rather enjoyed this one
probably because I can relate


 

Traveling to India

This video has made me seriously consider another camera...bummer face.

Booo whoo

Ive been extremely sentimental as of late. That never happens with me...in all aspects (except for Juan) I'm pretty much a rock. But ive been crying over every little thing this week.

It started off with vanessas birthday where there was a dude that looked like the short less attractive version of Juan. I literally cried all the way home, and i wasnt even drunk. Then my little bro didnt wanna help me with something and i cried about that. My parents didnt want to wait for me to get ready on new years so i cried too.

Today i started crying cause instead of helping me pack like she said she was, my mom fell asleep. And now im crying cause i feel overwhelmed, and i wish there were somebody to help me.

I'm scared...and idk...its just weird. I dont know what kind of hormones have been rattling in my body but i dont like it.

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Holiday Special...well, not really