Monday, June 27, 2005
To the nice guys and girls
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style. This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you. This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that. The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single. So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming. And now her response This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep. This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?) She went on to say.... So thats cleared up. We all seem to have a "greener grass complex"...also known as the "toddler complex." That is..."If I can see it, I want it and its probably better than what I've got already. If its a challenge to obtain I MUST have it but if I can get my hands on it, its not fun anymore. If my stuff's cool, somebody else's is cooler." We are also blessed with 100% accurate gift of hindsight. That is..."Wow it is painfully obvious and completely apparent that that is the stupidest/flightiet/meanest/crappiest thing I've ever done/has ever happened to me, and now I am going to obsess on how that could have gone differently. This also ties in with the cliche concept of "dont know whatcha got till its gone." Basically, for some unknown reason... we seem to be bound and determined to royally screw things up. We date the same crappy people who hurt us over and over again. We diss the people who are honestly into us and trying hard to treat us right... and then kick ourselves for it later...but only once its completely too late. And the people who are interesting to us are the people who "keep us on our toes" by playing games. There's no room for honesty because we're too busy being hard to get...or chasing someone who's hard to get. It seems like we're all equally insecure people with legitimate needs that we're afraid to have met. What happens in the end when all the pretense gone?
Friday, June 24, 2005
I didnt mean to
I didnt mean to hurt Oscar the way i did last night. i'm really sorry that i just dont feel the same that i used to. I can't force my feelings. he didnt when we were together so why should I when we're not together. Thats stupid I'm not going to be part of his "summer fun" He wants to fuck me I know. he didnt get it from me before so why in the hell would he think that i would give it to him now. When its almost 2 years since we were together. Ugh asshole. He didnt want ne back then when i was willing and ready and now he does? I think I looked way better back then...yeah like 30 less. hahah. He was hurt because I didnt feel the same for him. What can I do? so then before that we were talking about why wouldnt it be a good idea for us to be together. and i said well youre so insensitive and well I'm TOO sensitive and you know that. and then he was like you just let yourself be taken over your emotions I don't I'm just straight to the point. So then when i told him everything about how OVER him I am he gets mad. he tells me how special he is to me. He's the only ex i still talk to and i was like hold up! if you want to talk about special then youre 4th. And he was like 4th one thats been special or 4th place. and I was like forth down my list.
1st Esteban
2nd JC
3rd Aaron
then you hahaha
but i really dont know who... would be 4th I guess yea lol and Chad tied with Chad I guess.
So then he was all with his "hurt" voice and he was like oh..i guess I'll talk to you later. and I was like ok then there was a pause and i said bye and he just hung up on me. ASS!
1st Esteban
2nd JC
3rd Aaron
then you hahaha
but i really dont know who... would be 4th I guess yea lol and Chad tied with Chad I guess.
So then he was all with his "hurt" voice and he was like oh..i guess I'll talk to you later. and I was like ok then there was a pause and i said bye and he just hung up on me. ASS!
Fuckin around?
Aaron,
Are you fuckin around with somebody else you piece of shit? If you are you got something coming to you. i don't give a fuck who the fuck you are and what the fuck you can do to me. Just saying that youve been warned Baboso! Come mierda estupido! You thinki I'm fuckin retarded to not know what exactly is going on? Oh so suddenly youre too busy for me? fuck you! So now youre getting abck at me or something?
You wanna go get laid by somebody else? then go and fuckin do it...if you do this engagement is OVER. I'm not taking your shit. And if you want a fuckin fight then bring it I'm not scared of you...even if youre smarter and way stronger than me
Heh and to think that i havent cheated on you! when i had the fuckin chance to. Sure I've talked to other guys when I've been with you, but never fucked them or anything close.
But if you want somebody on the side then...I can too. ha!
Pendejo come mierda!
Are you fuckin around with somebody else you piece of shit? If you are you got something coming to you. i don't give a fuck who the fuck you are and what the fuck you can do to me. Just saying that youve been warned Baboso! Come mierda estupido! You thinki I'm fuckin retarded to not know what exactly is going on? Oh so suddenly youre too busy for me? fuck you! So now youre getting abck at me or something?
You wanna go get laid by somebody else? then go and fuckin do it...if you do this engagement is OVER. I'm not taking your shit. And if you want a fuckin fight then bring it I'm not scared of you...even if youre smarter and way stronger than me
Heh and to think that i havent cheated on you! when i had the fuckin chance to. Sure I've talked to other guys when I've been with you, but never fucked them or anything close.
But if you want somebody on the side then...I can too. ha!
Pendejo come mierda!
Ain't it Funny
Hummm its funny how I completly forgot about Aaron last night. I felt good and I hadnt felt that way in a while. Its like all that bickering that he did with me last night didnt mean JACK! hehehe. And I don't give a fuck if he will only see or call me now whenever he has "time." Dumbass he can go fuck his own self.
Anyways, *dreamy gesture* lol When i was trying to sign up for summer courses for a head start I met this guy...I mean I saw him from afar in the parking lot; I was like wow...*drooled* lol then I snapped back to reality to the world where I would be to scared to even be a yard away from him. So I forget or whatever he seemed to be on his way out. And I go to the registration area or whatever, and they tell me all types of bull shit and when I turn around to leave he was right behind me really close to me so I bump into him and I'm like whoa sorry and I half run half walk like a dumbass. lol i was SO embarrased. I think i turned all different kinds of colors. And I get outside and I talk outloud and say "I can't believe I just bumped into that guy" and i laugh. I stopped on the sidewalk to cross to the parking lot. and then somebody taps me on the back and I'm all paranoid so i freak out and want to hit somebody lol. that was funny. I must have made a total idiot of myself. And it was the hot guy and he gives me a stupid pen talking about that i dropped it, how stupid. and i was like, "ummm thats not mine, but thanks anyway" So I take it and he starts walking with me and i'm thinking where's campus police??? lol I just thought it to be very odd. he was all making small talk. And i'm all walking away from my car. lol So i stop at a corolla (I have a fred haas keychain) and I'm like Thanks for walking me here. He seemed like a nice guy but I'm always skeptical about EVERYTHING especially if a gorgeous guy comes and talks to me. anyway so I'm hinting that I'm leaving and I act as if I'm about to open the door and I dont have the key to my mom's corolla anymore so I have the honda key and he's like Isnt that a honda key?? and I feel stupid AGAIN! and I'm like oh and I laugh and say I'm a little off today i guess and I walk towards my car. and he walks with me. He's telling me that he's from NY and I'm like cool. So then I'm ACTUALLY leaving and he asks for my numero! wow! lol i was like huh? lol So fuck yeah i'm gonna give him my number lol. he's HOTTTTT!!! Sizzle! So we talked the first day for like about 3 hours. Then he had to crash he had class at 6. He didnt call me the next day and I was a little crushed. that was when stupid Aaron was bitchin at me. And then we talked lastnight to this morning. we were talking about the finals i was all excited with him, Crazy! I havent watched bball in years. and then he left with his amigos somewhere. An hour later he got back and he got online (i had to d/l AIM just cause of him...my only addition in my buddy list) we talked for a while...lol he makes me laugh a lot. then he was like I'm going to crash I feel as if I'm about to slam my face on the keyboard, I'll call you tomorrow when I get off of work. And then he gets side tracked and we talk about other things for about 30 minutes then he's like can I call you? and I'm like of course. I was thinking he meant call me after work. And he ends up calling me right then. we end up hanging up at 5 am because his house phone died lol. We talked a good 6 hours today.
I love that he makes me laugh a lot. i need it seeing that Aaron chooses not to be "sweet" with me. A guy thats not even with me treats me better than Aaron does...OMG...thats so sad *tears* literally. I told John that I'm not with Aaron anymore. Which was true at the time that I met him. I felt alive again with John. It was awesome. I love his personality. and guess what??? he's half Salvadoran and the other half is Puerto Rican...i don't really care for the PR side though most girls and I quote John, "Most Mexican girls get wet when i say I'm PR" lol he's dumb. We have SOOO many things in common. he's so easy going. he's so cool. hehehe
Anyways, *dreamy gesture* lol When i was trying to sign up for summer courses for a head start I met this guy...I mean I saw him from afar in the parking lot; I was like wow...*drooled* lol then I snapped back to reality to the world where I would be to scared to even be a yard away from him. So I forget or whatever he seemed to be on his way out. And I go to the registration area or whatever, and they tell me all types of bull shit and when I turn around to leave he was right behind me really close to me so I bump into him and I'm like whoa sorry and I half run half walk like a dumbass. lol i was SO embarrased. I think i turned all different kinds of colors. And I get outside and I talk outloud and say "I can't believe I just bumped into that guy" and i laugh. I stopped on the sidewalk to cross to the parking lot. and then somebody taps me on the back and I'm all paranoid so i freak out and want to hit somebody lol. that was funny. I must have made a total idiot of myself. And it was the hot guy and he gives me a stupid pen talking about that i dropped it, how stupid. and i was like, "ummm thats not mine, but thanks anyway" So I take it and he starts walking with me and i'm thinking where's campus police??? lol I just thought it to be very odd. he was all making small talk. And i'm all walking away from my car. lol So i stop at a corolla (I have a fred haas keychain) and I'm like Thanks for walking me here. He seemed like a nice guy but I'm always skeptical about EVERYTHING especially if a gorgeous guy comes and talks to me. anyway so I'm hinting that I'm leaving and I act as if I'm about to open the door and I dont have the key to my mom's corolla anymore so I have the honda key and he's like Isnt that a honda key?? and I feel stupid AGAIN! and I'm like oh and I laugh and say I'm a little off today i guess and I walk towards my car. and he walks with me. He's telling me that he's from NY and I'm like cool. So then I'm ACTUALLY leaving and he asks for my numero! wow! lol i was like huh? lol So fuck yeah i'm gonna give him my number lol. he's HOTTTTT!!! Sizzle! So we talked the first day for like about 3 hours. Then he had to crash he had class at 6. He didnt call me the next day and I was a little crushed. that was when stupid Aaron was bitchin at me. And then we talked lastnight to this morning. we were talking about the finals i was all excited with him, Crazy! I havent watched bball in years. and then he left with his amigos somewhere. An hour later he got back and he got online (i had to d/l AIM just cause of him...my only addition in my buddy list) we talked for a while...lol he makes me laugh a lot. then he was like I'm going to crash I feel as if I'm about to slam my face on the keyboard, I'll call you tomorrow when I get off of work. And then he gets side tracked and we talk about other things for about 30 minutes then he's like can I call you? and I'm like of course. I was thinking he meant call me after work. And he ends up calling me right then. we end up hanging up at 5 am because his house phone died lol. We talked a good 6 hours today.
I love that he makes me laugh a lot. i need it seeing that Aaron chooses not to be "sweet" with me. A guy thats not even with me treats me better than Aaron does...OMG...thats so sad *tears* literally. I told John that I'm not with Aaron anymore. Which was true at the time that I met him. I felt alive again with John. It was awesome. I love his personality. and guess what??? he's half Salvadoran and the other half is Puerto Rican...i don't really care for the PR side though most girls and I quote John, "Most Mexican girls get wet when i say I'm PR" lol he's dumb. We have SOOO many things in common. he's so easy going. he's so cool. hehehe
Thursday, June 23, 2005
and i dunno why I'm still there
Now he claims that he's busy. Whoa! I know he has those tests to take and junk. I just hate that everytime his cousin calls he drops everything even me. His damn hoodrat cousin I strongly dislike his cholo wannabe ass. he probably doesnt like me either but i'm not scared of him like he thinks I am. Just cause he gots a weapon on him...shit its probably stolen. And both of them are a "team" and have to do different kinds of "jobs" then Aaron whindes (sp check) up getting hurt everytime. he doesnt take care of my babe. I'm just really upset with Aaron right now. I was supposed to see him tonight (i was gonna go out with vanessa but then she cancelled and i wasnt going to tell mom that she did so that i could see him) he was like, "you think I'm always going to have time for you?" then he started blaberring about shit and i was like, "Well I didnt know you wouldnt have time for me" and then he was like, "Oh stop trying to make yourself the victim" and well you all probably already know that when my feelings get hurt by him i automatically start crying. so i was trying to hold back the tears, but yeah i didnt make a sound though. i hate that he makes me weak. and then he said, "I treat you like I treat everybody else" and i was like "Since when have i been like everybody else? Why do u talk to me like you're angry or bitter?" and then he said, "Sorry that i was raised in an environment where everybody tells you how it is even if its bitter. I'm not supposed to sugar coat everything for you. I can do it some times but not ALL the fuckin time" yeah I'm stupid huh? i should leave him now and never look back but I cant he has a voodoo hold on me lol I think it can be possible since his aunt is one of those tarot ladies ehhh i dont wanna think about it.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Goodbye?
When we broke up the last time, I thought that was the last time I will ever get to hear your voice, the last time for everything. Everything was thrown away and I was left with a aching heart. And I would try my BEST not to think of you because I would end up crying, or taking a shit load of sleeping pills so that I wouldn’t be awake to feel the pain. I lost hope, I was facing the Aaron I knew last year and I wasn't going to win. Then when you called me again…and I was so happy. You don't know how much of a relief it felt. I had a big smile the whole day until you started again. I've only picked a fight with you ONCE and maybe that was pointless, but so are most of yours. A Three-some? A fucking Three-some? If I didn't love you I would because I wouldn’t care what you thought of me and I wouldn’t care for you. If I'm in love with somebody, I would feel that as a violation to the sanctity of the relationship. But maybe you don't put love as a high enough value. You throw the word love around like if it were nothing. You've told me SO many times that you love me and I don’t have much to show for it. And maybe we just don’t love each other enough.
You say that will always be with you no matter what, that I'll always be in you because you love me, but you are putting so much effort into driving me away. And you don't think that doesn't fucking hurt me? You say that you camouflage love, and I say you show your true colors. I've hated you because I NEVER wanted to love you , and my instinct was correct. I should have NEVER fallen in love with you because of you I cry every fucking day. Because of you I started drinking, because of you I lock myself in my room, because of you I feel worse than ever, because of you I take a shit load of sleeping pills, because of you I don't want to be around anymore. Yes, yes I do hate you, but the hate you feel for me surpasses my hate in large amounts. Its too much for me to handle. You have made me so weak, and you killed the spirit inside of me. I feel as if you've gutted me and left me to bleed to death.
I was so fucking stupid to fall for you. I'm even more stupid to still love you. And I know that if you came back I would take you because I love you and I would forget everything bad that happened. As much as I would love for you to come back, and as much as I would cry and cry because you're not with me, I don't want you to come back to me because I know you don't love me enough. And everything will be the same again. The same cycle will repeat itself again and again. And you blame it on me…maybe it is my fault. Yeah, it is I suppose.
I will be praying for you when you leave. I hope that NOTHING bad happens to you. I want you to return to your family safe and sound. And if something bad does happen to you, I would like to be the first to know like you said.
remember that I will always love you even if we're not together.
I hope you had fun playing with this toy of yours.
You say that will always be with you no matter what, that I'll always be in you because you love me, but you are putting so much effort into driving me away. And you don't think that doesn't fucking hurt me? You say that you camouflage love, and I say you show your true colors. I've hated you because I NEVER wanted to love you , and my instinct was correct. I should have NEVER fallen in love with you because of you I cry every fucking day. Because of you I started drinking, because of you I lock myself in my room, because of you I feel worse than ever, because of you I take a shit load of sleeping pills, because of you I don't want to be around anymore. Yes, yes I do hate you, but the hate you feel for me surpasses my hate in large amounts. Its too much for me to handle. You have made me so weak, and you killed the spirit inside of me. I feel as if you've gutted me and left me to bleed to death.
I was so fucking stupid to fall for you. I'm even more stupid to still love you. And I know that if you came back I would take you because I love you and I would forget everything bad that happened. As much as I would love for you to come back, and as much as I would cry and cry because you're not with me, I don't want you to come back to me because I know you don't love me enough. And everything will be the same again. The same cycle will repeat itself again and again. And you blame it on me…maybe it is my fault. Yeah, it is I suppose.
I will be praying for you when you leave. I hope that NOTHING bad happens to you. I want you to return to your family safe and sound. And if something bad does happen to you, I would like to be the first to know like you said.
remember that I will always love you even if we're not together.
I hope you had fun playing with this toy of yours.
Friday, June 17, 2005
What took him so long
So me and Aaron are back together!!! YEY!! lol first time I've said that..weird, but I DONT CARE!!! I love Aaron and I guess it had to take some times for me to realize things, but I'm afraid that its going to end tomorrow. i sent him something...and i dont think hesgoing to be happy about it...fucked screwd up huh? He'll be receiving it tomorrow...UGH! I'm scared. What if he breaks up with me again. But if this makes us break up he will break up with me for good and for good for good this time, no doubt about it. he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. But he wants to get married NOW! I cant get married right now. He says he's going into the army in 3 weeks. Boot camp that is. I dont know what to do. i CANT marry him right now. And i know he's going to say but if you love me you would marry me and thats true but i want a BIG marriage. WITH ALL THE FUSS. I WONT GET MARRIED LIKE THIS...as in the way i look now. noooo!!! Double chin in every picture we'd look like a 10. gross i'm grossed out by myself ughh
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Guilty 6/14
Esteban,
I feel guilty cause I haven't thought about you much. I have been too busy to even talk about you. I've thought a lot about Aaron though, and now that I think about it, its hurting me. It hurts that you're disappearing. Or is it just these couple of days because I just don't have time to feel bad about your departure. I want you to stay in my heart because what we had was so special. And the other side of me says get the fuck away I don’t need your memory to fuck up my mood all the damn time because I can't have you and I feel like I'm going to die without you. I love you so much and I never want to let you go. And I wish you loved me back like I do and like I will always love you and I wish with all my heart that you actually knew what I feel for you. I don't want to be some kind of friend. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yes I know that fuckin sounds crazy. I was never this sure of somebody in my life. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. I had you and just like that you were gone and I was left to rot. You were my strength, my other half and the part that I needed in order to live happily.
Or maybe I just want you to feel the pain I am feeling for you…I want you to feel this pain because of me. I want you to miss me and to never forget about me. I want you to be in the back of your mind all the time when you are talking to some other girl like I do when I'm talking to another guy. I want you to say, "God you're nothing like Cindy, I wish Cindy was with me. I wish she was around to tell me crazy things. I want Cindy to tell me that I'm adorable." I dunno something!!! Hopefully you don't tell the other girls you're talking to, "Oh it was this stupid retarded girl that I used to talk to." LOL like when I was talking to you back in May and you were talking about the stupid retarded girl that wouldn't leave you alone. I don’t want to be that girl and maybe that’s why I never pushed it.
Maybe I'm just obsessed with you and that's another reason why I never pushed it after it all. I just sat back and cried you called me and you showed no love towards me. I stayed there being a friend to you. I didn’t want to push it, I didn’t want you to think that I was some kind of freak. I wish you loved me…oh fuck this its impossible.
I feel guilty cause I haven't thought about you much. I have been too busy to even talk about you. I've thought a lot about Aaron though, and now that I think about it, its hurting me. It hurts that you're disappearing. Or is it just these couple of days because I just don't have time to feel bad about your departure. I want you to stay in my heart because what we had was so special. And the other side of me says get the fuck away I don’t need your memory to fuck up my mood all the damn time because I can't have you and I feel like I'm going to die without you. I love you so much and I never want to let you go. And I wish you loved me back like I do and like I will always love you and I wish with all my heart that you actually knew what I feel for you. I don't want to be some kind of friend. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yes I know that fuckin sounds crazy. I was never this sure of somebody in my life. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. I had you and just like that you were gone and I was left to rot. You were my strength, my other half and the part that I needed in order to live happily.
Or maybe I just want you to feel the pain I am feeling for you…I want you to feel this pain because of me. I want you to miss me and to never forget about me. I want you to be in the back of your mind all the time when you are talking to some other girl like I do when I'm talking to another guy. I want you to say, "God you're nothing like Cindy, I wish Cindy was with me. I wish she was around to tell me crazy things. I want Cindy to tell me that I'm adorable." I dunno something!!! Hopefully you don't tell the other girls you're talking to, "Oh it was this stupid retarded girl that I used to talk to." LOL like when I was talking to you back in May and you were talking about the stupid retarded girl that wouldn't leave you alone. I don’t want to be that girl and maybe that’s why I never pushed it.
Maybe I'm just obsessed with you and that's another reason why I never pushed it after it all. I just sat back and cried you called me and you showed no love towards me. I stayed there being a friend to you. I didn’t want to push it, I didn’t want you to think that I was some kind of freak. I wish you loved me…oh fuck this its impossible.
The One 6/7
Esteban,
I'm so lost here without you. I need you here by my side most of all. I want you to hold me close. I want you to wipe my tears away. I want you to tell me that you're going to kick his ass for hurting me. I want you to care about me again. I feel so alone without you here. I want to hear you're cute voice and I want you to cheer me up with your crazy…whatevers. I love you so much and you will always be the one I want to be with…the perfect man. The one I want to marry the one I want to have children with. The one I want to grow old with. The one I share stories with. The one I share memories with. The one that will make me cry of happiness and not sadness. The one that I will love forever and will be in love with me back. I can't live happily without you!!! AHHH I want you to be here!
I'm so lost here without you. I need you here by my side most of all. I want you to hold me close. I want you to wipe my tears away. I want you to tell me that you're going to kick his ass for hurting me. I want you to care about me again. I feel so alone without you here. I want to hear you're cute voice and I want you to cheer me up with your crazy…whatevers. I love you so much and you will always be the one I want to be with…the perfect man. The one I want to marry the one I want to have children with. The one I want to grow old with. The one I share stories with. The one I share memories with. The one that will make me cry of happiness and not sadness. The one that I will love forever and will be in love with me back. I can't live happily without you!!! AHHH I want you to be here!
No word still 6/9
Aaron,
I havent heard from you since the day you made sure I was alive. I want to talk to you…why do I have to miss you so much? You're an asshole! The biggest one I know!
You know what the solution to this is? I need another man. Yes that’s it. Eureka! Lol how corny I can't believe that's Cali's whatever. Lol I know I did a project over my repeater course world geography. You just need to get out of my mind and heart. In no time I will forget about you like I did when we broke up in February. I started talking that other ass and then to Daniel the Christian Rocker. Hehehe I still have his pic in the frame. I'm just too lazy to change it I guess. Yes. I forgot about you quick. Man the only reason you caught me in April was because I didn't have anybody, but then again. I will always have some stupid weird connection with you. I hate you for that and everything else. You ASS!
I havent heard from you since the day you made sure I was alive. I want to talk to you…why do I have to miss you so much? You're an asshole! The biggest one I know!
You know what the solution to this is? I need another man. Yes that’s it. Eureka! Lol how corny I can't believe that's Cali's whatever. Lol I know I did a project over my repeater course world geography. You just need to get out of my mind and heart. In no time I will forget about you like I did when we broke up in February. I started talking that other ass and then to Daniel the Christian Rocker. Hehehe I still have his pic in the frame. I'm just too lazy to change it I guess. Yes. I forgot about you quick. Man the only reason you caught me in April was because I didn't have anybody, but then again. I will always have some stupid weird connection with you. I hate you for that and everything else. You ASS!
why do i still miss you 6/8
Aaron,
After all the bullshit you've given me for almost a year I feel like I miss you more than ever and its killing me. I don’t' want to miss you at all. I want you in a deep dark hole like those Asian holes in some world war. And that all you can receive is water till you rot. I don't know why I miss you. I want you here with me holding me. I want you to tell me that you didn’t mean anything you said. I want you to tell me that you said it out of sadness or anger. I don't know give me some stupid believable excuse so that we can be together again. I want you to call me again and apologize, like we always do. But I don't think that will happen. You said that this was going to be the last time…the times before, you never said that it was going to be that last time. So all I can do is wait and see if you are actually going to keep your word and not call me again. Maybe you will call me in some weeks or before I leave for San Antonio.
After all the bullshit you've given me for almost a year I feel like I miss you more than ever and its killing me. I don’t' want to miss you at all. I want you in a deep dark hole like those Asian holes in some world war. And that all you can receive is water till you rot. I don't know why I miss you. I want you here with me holding me. I want you to tell me that you didn’t mean anything you said. I want you to tell me that you said it out of sadness or anger. I don't know give me some stupid believable excuse so that we can be together again. I want you to call me again and apologize, like we always do. But I don't think that will happen. You said that this was going to be the last time…the times before, you never said that it was going to be that last time. So all I can do is wait and see if you are actually going to keep your word and not call me again. Maybe you will call me in some weeks or before I leave for San Antonio.
After it all 6/7
Aaron,
So I guess that you did hate me. I should have believed you when you first told me. It would not have hit me so bad. I wanted to think that maybe, just maybe you weren't the ass that I knew you were. I guess I was wrong to think that you had actually changed. See this time it was way worse than the other times. Heh…I suppose I brought that on myself huh? It was so good. I was really happy. Then just…a few days later you…you turned into the monster that I once knew. The one that I knew last year. The one that showed me so much hatred. You've scared me. And you call me the next day, and you enjoy it. Telling me all the things that are bad about me. You don’t give a fuck or if you do youre doing a fucking great job in hiding your emotions. This past experience made me think…like…actually want to erase you from my memories. I want to believe that I NEVER EVER met you. I always knew that I hated you…I hated the fact that I guess I am in Love with you. I hate you!!! I hate you because I love you! You're an asshole!!!
This "love" is sick. It makes me sick. You're sick. You have mental problems that need to be fixed. I'm just depressed; that’s my problem. And at this moment you are the biggest reason why I am depressed. But you don't give a fuck do you? Ha! Its funny how I thought that you did care about me. You're so full of shit, you're full of yourself. I can't believe I've fallen in love with a worthless prick.
I screwed up once again. I choose you. Hummm I havent said that in a while. I didn’t think…I don't know I haven't talked to anyone else in two months, except for JR. But JR I don't know why I cant him for more than a friend. Its not there…the passion I feel for you. That’s the only reason I've stuck by you for almost a year. We're almost there. Fuck that’s sad. Its almost a year since I lost Esteban. July…3rd. One of the saddest days of my life. So was July 5th with JC. But I think that only happens every 3 years. I have such bad luck.
I was supposed to be with you to get over Esteban, not to get any more pain. But all the shit you've given me…it doesn't even come CLOSE to the pain that I carry from loosing Esteban.
And you know what hurts the most about all of this? Its that I still want to be with you. I feel like one of those chics that get beat by their boyfriends/husbands but they still stay with them. I thought that I would NEVER be that stupid but I guess I am. I feel retarded. I feel cripple. I don’t know what to do. I want to cry and cry and I want to hold it all in…and maybe I'm not going to be able anymore.
So I guess that you did hate me. I should have believed you when you first told me. It would not have hit me so bad. I wanted to think that maybe, just maybe you weren't the ass that I knew you were. I guess I was wrong to think that you had actually changed. See this time it was way worse than the other times. Heh…I suppose I brought that on myself huh? It was so good. I was really happy. Then just…a few days later you…you turned into the monster that I once knew. The one that I knew last year. The one that showed me so much hatred. You've scared me. And you call me the next day, and you enjoy it. Telling me all the things that are bad about me. You don’t give a fuck or if you do youre doing a fucking great job in hiding your emotions. This past experience made me think…like…actually want to erase you from my memories. I want to believe that I NEVER EVER met you. I always knew that I hated you…I hated the fact that I guess I am in Love with you. I hate you!!! I hate you because I love you! You're an asshole!!!
This "love" is sick. It makes me sick. You're sick. You have mental problems that need to be fixed. I'm just depressed; that’s my problem. And at this moment you are the biggest reason why I am depressed. But you don't give a fuck do you? Ha! Its funny how I thought that you did care about me. You're so full of shit, you're full of yourself. I can't believe I've fallen in love with a worthless prick.
I screwed up once again. I choose you. Hummm I havent said that in a while. I didn’t think…I don't know I haven't talked to anyone else in two months, except for JR. But JR I don't know why I cant him for more than a friend. Its not there…the passion I feel for you. That’s the only reason I've stuck by you for almost a year. We're almost there. Fuck that’s sad. Its almost a year since I lost Esteban. July…3rd. One of the saddest days of my life. So was July 5th with JC. But I think that only happens every 3 years. I have such bad luck.
I was supposed to be with you to get over Esteban, not to get any more pain. But all the shit you've given me…it doesn't even come CLOSE to the pain that I carry from loosing Esteban.
And you know what hurts the most about all of this? Its that I still want to be with you. I feel like one of those chics that get beat by their boyfriends/husbands but they still stay with them. I thought that I would NEVER be that stupid but I guess I am. I feel retarded. I feel cripple. I don’t know what to do. I want to cry and cry and I want to hold it all in…and maybe I'm not going to be able anymore.
Pretty Pissed
So i went to Walmart today and the stupid rude white trash old lady that was my cashier was looking at me all snotty like if her ass was better than me. It came out to be 111.33 and I gave here 120.33. Two dimes, two nickles and three pennies, and the stupid broad she was like no...no honey its 33 cents not more and she returns two dimes and I talk to her in the same fuckin tone to her like if i were slow or some shit. Fuckin bitch she needs to know how to fuckin count change. I know how to add. Shit it aint that hard. And then sahe turns the bag wheel all weird facing away from me so like 2 hours later I realize that i didnt take one bag which had 25 bucks worth of merchandise in it and I called and they dont fuckin answer and i'm pissed now cause that was part of my dorm stuff. And they're probably not going to give me my shit back since I didnt go right back...FUCK!
So I had a lunch date with Vanessa and Ana it was fun the food was good I was craving a trifecta lol. and then Me and my bro wentto see Batman Begins....whoa that was a great movie.
I havent really thought about Aaron or Esteban these past few days i dont know why. maybe its cause I've been occupied or maybe its just that I've been talking with Andrew. i dont really know. Should i care as long as they are out of my mind? i dont know
So I had a lunch date with Vanessa and Ana it was fun the food was good I was craving a trifecta lol. and then Me and my bro wentto see Batman Begins....whoa that was a great movie.
I havent really thought about Aaron or Esteban these past few days i dont know why. maybe its cause I've been occupied or maybe its just that I've been talking with Andrew. i dont really know. Should i care as long as they are out of my mind? i dont know
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Trying my best 6/14
I'm trying my best to feel complete, but it is no use. I have even started talking to another guy. His name is Andrew, 21, high school drop out (yeah I KNOW that’s really bad), nice guy. I'm feeling a connection with him, but its young. I can't really say much about it. I don’t know him that well, but so far so good. He's good people hahaha. But I still feel pretty empty, like I don’t have anything inside, I'm hallow…uhhh is that how you spell it? Haha I don’t know anymore and I don’t care to fix my grammatical errors and the spelling ones. Who gives a fuck. Its only my thoughts and they don’t have to make sense. Ehhh my foot is itchy its getting on my nerves. I think I'm feeling better now. Maybe it is because I've been hanging out with friends. Yeah that should be it.
Anyways so yesterday which is still today to me we celebrated Mayra's 19th bday. We went out with Chicken, Alexis and Jesus…Chuy. He's a hottie or should I say Chicken's flavor of the week. Anyways we went to the galleria. We were just browsing around and then like b4 we got there I was like lets NOT pass by the disney store. And then mayra was like, "Waldo doesn't work at Zora anymore; he works at Coach" and I was like fuck she knows hahaha. And then when we passed by coach she was like "there's no guy in there let's go!" And I felt REALLY akward like I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. There was three chics in there ans as we were heading towards the back of the store I was hearing the noise of things shuffling around and I was like fuck…I got out of that store so fast, but it was probably one of the chics and I didn’t notice that she had gone back there. I was just really paranoid. I don’t want to see Waldo. I don’t even want his name mentioned to me. So anyways then we met up with the other three and we went to the gap and we browsed some more, but I think the gap is a piece of shit store hahah. When we were done with that we headed towards Victoria's secret and we passed by Zora's and Mayra was like, "Go into Zora's Chicken to see if WALDO still works there." And I thought well damn WTF are you trying to do? I don’t want to see his ass. I thought that shit was done with after we went into the coach store. And then Chicken was like, "Nah he doesn’t work there anymore." and mayra was like, "how do you know?" and he said, "cause Paulina told me and I've seen him at Coach on the clock." God! What was she trying to do? Embarrass me and cause a scene? Good thing he wasn’t working. Waldo is like old news. Like Andrew said, "Why you bringing up old shit?!?" lol he makes me crack up. Anyways so I bought shimmer lotion its cool. Then we went to Olive Garden. Chuy is fun to be around with he had winked at me and I was like huh? Lol he just thought that he knew me from somewhere. And he did look kinda familiar when I first saw him but then I was like nahhh I don’t or do I? And he kept looking at me and I was just looking away at Chicken lol. It was just really weird and I was all confused like Mario hahah. So I didn’t even much finish what I had ordered. It wasn’t all that great.
Anyways so then we dropped off Chuy (Alexis went home her orientation is tomorrow) and we were planning to go see the Longest yard with Mario at the Marqu*E but it was already closed. So we went to Starbucks and yeah that was the end of the long day that I had. I ended up waking up Andrew from sleeping and I felt bad to I let him go. I was like aww poor babe. I ended up getting home like at one. My dad is probably going to be tripping since I've gone out a lot these past couple of days. Ohhh and Mario had a great idea for all four of us to go to Mexico with him in July Isnt that a great idea. I mean I've never gone to Mexico and it would be a great idea to go this summer before I go to college.
Anyways so yesterday which is still today to me we celebrated Mayra's 19th bday. We went out with Chicken, Alexis and Jesus…Chuy. He's a hottie or should I say Chicken's flavor of the week. Anyways we went to the galleria. We were just browsing around and then like b4 we got there I was like lets NOT pass by the disney store. And then mayra was like, "Waldo doesn't work at Zora anymore; he works at Coach" and I was like fuck she knows hahaha. And then when we passed by coach she was like "there's no guy in there let's go!" And I felt REALLY akward like I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. There was three chics in there ans as we were heading towards the back of the store I was hearing the noise of things shuffling around and I was like fuck…I got out of that store so fast, but it was probably one of the chics and I didn’t notice that she had gone back there. I was just really paranoid. I don’t want to see Waldo. I don’t even want his name mentioned to me. So anyways then we met up with the other three and we went to the gap and we browsed some more, but I think the gap is a piece of shit store hahah. When we were done with that we headed towards Victoria's secret and we passed by Zora's and Mayra was like, "Go into Zora's Chicken to see if WALDO still works there." And I thought well damn WTF are you trying to do? I don’t want to see his ass. I thought that shit was done with after we went into the coach store. And then Chicken was like, "Nah he doesn’t work there anymore." and mayra was like, "how do you know?" and he said, "cause Paulina told me and I've seen him at Coach on the clock." God! What was she trying to do? Embarrass me and cause a scene? Good thing he wasn’t working. Waldo is like old news. Like Andrew said, "Why you bringing up old shit?!?" lol he makes me crack up. Anyways so I bought shimmer lotion its cool. Then we went to Olive Garden. Chuy is fun to be around with he had winked at me and I was like huh? Lol he just thought that he knew me from somewhere. And he did look kinda familiar when I first saw him but then I was like nahhh I don’t or do I? And he kept looking at me and I was just looking away at Chicken lol. It was just really weird and I was all confused like Mario hahah. So I didn’t even much finish what I had ordered. It wasn’t all that great.
Anyways so then we dropped off Chuy (Alexis went home her orientation is tomorrow) and we were planning to go see the Longest yard with Mario at the Marqu*E but it was already closed. So we went to Starbucks and yeah that was the end of the long day that I had. I ended up waking up Andrew from sleeping and I felt bad to I let him go. I was like aww poor babe. I ended up getting home like at one. My dad is probably going to be tripping since I've gone out a lot these past couple of days. Ohhh and Mario had a great idea for all four of us to go to Mexico with him in July Isnt that a great idea. I mean I've never gone to Mexico and it would be a great idea to go this summer before I go to college.
Insignificant 6/12
I don’t know what to do or what to say but I feel awful physically and mentally. I want to cry. No not cry I want to sob. I feel awful even though I had a pretty cool day. I don’t feel good. I feel really lonely. I no longer feel special. I just feel like an insignificant person without a fucking purpose here. Nobody cares for me the way I want them to care. I want to feel loved. GOD!!! WHY IS THAT SOOOOO HARD FOR ME TO GET?? All I've wanted for years now id to be happy with somebody that will love me no matter what. There's no longer anyone there to ask me how my day was or to tell me things that don’t really matter but are extremely interesting, somebody there to make me smile and laugh until I turn blue. And then I can say "I have a pain of my chess and I cannot brief" hahaha yeah…not going to happen huh? I want to be complete. Right now I feel as if I were cut in half…nah like Aaron tore a big chunk of my heart and fed it to the coyotes. As for Esteban…he's just still there and doesn't want to leave the presidential suite.
Boring Day 6/9
I woke up at 245 pm today I was pretty tired. I wanted to sleep more but I don't know I felt that if I was asleep anymore my mom would come and she would be mad at me or something. I've been really tired lately. I blame it on my anemia, but whatever maybe its just my laziness. I'm kinda scared that I might have to get glasses. That sucks ass! I don't want to get glasses. I look horrible in them. I don't think I would ever find glasses that would be right for me.
At 125 am next day
Just watched the Incredibles, finally after like 3 days of having it here. I feel as if I am traumatized. Ever since…well I don't know when it was before I saw finding Nemo. I dunno. I start crying about things on TV. The real things, the fake things, it doesn't matter I still cry. I don't know what't is going on with me. Maybe it is a hormonal imbalance. My period hasn’t been good for about a year and a half now. I don't care. More time for the beach. I Kinda want to cry. I want to do something about something. I feel useless.
Today I cleaned the living room and put up the dishes. I broke a sweat. Yes I know this is weird…me cleaning? Me breaking a sweat? The world is going to end lol. I'm just playing. So yeah, I dunno but I had this feeling like arrrgghhh!!! Its so damn dirty! Lol. The place hadn't been vacuumed in a while. It used to get vacuumed every day. Fuck it everybody is just too caught up with their own shit that nothing is getting taken care of.
Its 133 and I want to go to sleep but it just feels as if I'm supposed to wait for something. Like if I can't go to sleep yet because…because of something that I'm still not aware of. But probably its just my mind acting kinda funny with me. Sometimes I get weird feelings but nothing really happens. Like the time a black cat crossed our path when it was raining really hard. Or when my mom was in China town and she wouldn't hurry up (I was like 8, but I still remember). Its funny how I remember retarded things lol. But they are really clear as if they just happened now. I can't say yesterday cause I rarely remember stuff that happened yesterday unless I concentrate.
But what has really bored me is my dreams. Its like I can't tell my dreams from reality. I've been dreaming things that have actually happened or are close to something that is going to happen. Its just too weird for the things I dream to actually come true. I thought that it was just something that you know was just a coincidence the first couple of times, but now I can't tell the fuckin' difference and its REALLY getting me scared. What if I dream something really bad and it come true. I don't dream nonsense anymore like I used to. These dreams seem really real. But I think I will keep hush hush cause people will probably think that I am crazy or something. Not that people don't already think that I am already off.
At 125 am next day
Just watched the Incredibles, finally after like 3 days of having it here. I feel as if I am traumatized. Ever since…well I don't know when it was before I saw finding Nemo. I dunno. I start crying about things on TV. The real things, the fake things, it doesn't matter I still cry. I don't know what't is going on with me. Maybe it is a hormonal imbalance. My period hasn’t been good for about a year and a half now. I don't care. More time for the beach. I Kinda want to cry. I want to do something about something. I feel useless.
Today I cleaned the living room and put up the dishes. I broke a sweat. Yes I know this is weird…me cleaning? Me breaking a sweat? The world is going to end lol. I'm just playing. So yeah, I dunno but I had this feeling like arrrgghhh!!! Its so damn dirty! Lol. The place hadn't been vacuumed in a while. It used to get vacuumed every day. Fuck it everybody is just too caught up with their own shit that nothing is getting taken care of.
Its 133 and I want to go to sleep but it just feels as if I'm supposed to wait for something. Like if I can't go to sleep yet because…because of something that I'm still not aware of. But probably its just my mind acting kinda funny with me. Sometimes I get weird feelings but nothing really happens. Like the time a black cat crossed our path when it was raining really hard. Or when my mom was in China town and she wouldn't hurry up (I was like 8, but I still remember). Its funny how I remember retarded things lol. But they are really clear as if they just happened now. I can't say yesterday cause I rarely remember stuff that happened yesterday unless I concentrate.
But what has really bored me is my dreams. Its like I can't tell my dreams from reality. I've been dreaming things that have actually happened or are close to something that is going to happen. Its just too weird for the things I dream to actually come true. I thought that it was just something that you know was just a coincidence the first couple of times, but now I can't tell the fuckin' difference and its REALLY getting me scared. What if I dream something really bad and it come true. I don't dream nonsense anymore like I used to. These dreams seem really real. But I think I will keep hush hush cause people will probably think that I am crazy or something. Not that people don't already think that I am already off.
Missing An Asshole 6/8
OK the secret is OUT! I miss Aaron…more than I ever have before. But why??!?!? What did I do to deserve this? This hurts! I want to cry my eyes out. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. That’s how bad it is. My head hurts from some paint thinner. I want to just be done with alo of this. I'm sick of it…its like that silvery taste that that pill left in my mouth. Its nasty but its wouldn't go away the whole day.
Vanessa once told me that I do a good job at hiding my pain. And I am hiding my pain. Nobody knows about it. Its all just bottled up inside. I don’t trust anybody for me to tell them anything. I would tell Vanessa cause she's the only peer I have that would understand because we're both equally messed up. Yup, we are.
I miss him…and I want to cry but somehow I can't cry. All he called me for yesterday is to make sure I was alive for him to beat at me with his words again. How sad.
I want it all taken away, my pain and my suffering. I keep on acting so…so…happy on the outside, so ready to laugh at anything stupid or sorta funny but I'm not that. If verybody acted how they actually felt there wouldn't be that many happy faces I presume. I wasn’t going to let this get to me, I wasn't going to let HIM get to me but he did.
Its like that song Boiler by Limp Bizkit except that I hate him so much that I don't wanna come back knowing that I will because I feel the need to be with him. This stupid feeling that I can't control. Or maybe its just that I'm acting this way because its fresh in my mind. Sooner or later it will pass, right?
Vanessa once told me that I do a good job at hiding my pain. And I am hiding my pain. Nobody knows about it. Its all just bottled up inside. I don’t trust anybody for me to tell them anything. I would tell Vanessa cause she's the only peer I have that would understand because we're both equally messed up. Yup, we are.
I miss him…and I want to cry but somehow I can't cry. All he called me for yesterday is to make sure I was alive for him to beat at me with his words again. How sad.
I want it all taken away, my pain and my suffering. I keep on acting so…so…happy on the outside, so ready to laugh at anything stupid or sorta funny but I'm not that. If verybody acted how they actually felt there wouldn't be that many happy faces I presume. I wasn’t going to let this get to me, I wasn't going to let HIM get to me but he did.
Its like that song Boiler by Limp Bizkit except that I hate him so much that I don't wanna come back knowing that I will because I feel the need to be with him. This stupid feeling that I can't control. Or maybe its just that I'm acting this way because its fresh in my mind. Sooner or later it will pass, right?
Party Troubles 6/9
Soo…I got up at 1030 today to go shopping with Mayra for the party on Saturday. We shop cool whatever. I end up spending 40 bucks on a 2 shirts that look the same but are two dif. Colors and a half shirt lol…I dunno how to call it. So then we pass Sam Goody and I'm tempted to buy the X&Y CD…so since I'm an impulse buyer sometimes I bought it. And the CD is kinda…boring so I'm screwed. 12.98 badly spent. I only bought it cause it had Fix You on it. I love that song. I love the lyrics. I hadn't heard the ending until today and the ending fucks up the whole song what a damn shame. Anyways so on the way to Grandma's house we stop by jack in the box and I knew I shouldn't have bought anything but I did. So 7 dollars went there. Food is so expensive there.
So we go to Blockbuster and then to the hair salon cause Mayra wanted a haircut. So we finally get to Grandma's house and we chill…until the Time Warner guy comes…he was a sweet-hard-working looking man those guys that you could trust you know? from either Cuba or Puerto Rico he was black-Hispanic. Anyway, Marleny calls and asks if we want to go to Galveston. So we head out to Nelly's house and on the way to Galveston mom calls. She was heading out the door at the house. And she's like "Don't go anywhere! I'll be there at 6" and well I was already 30 minutes into going to Galveston and I don't think they were going to want to turn back just to drop me back off. So I don't say anything.
So we get there order some nasty KFC that we ate anyways cause we were hungry. Betillo, Mayra and I ride the waves, I almost drown. Some guy was staring hard at me. He was probably wishing that my top fell off lol. He wasn't in bad shape…lol but he looked like one of those construction worker dudes that barely crossed the border. Not that that’s bad but I dunno I'm just not into those guys.
So like at 830 we leave the beach and its pretty dark already. I see that there's a missed call on my phone and its mom. She had called at 745 and I call back and she's all pissed off cause I wasn’t there to go pick out the stupid cake for Saturday. And I'm like "well damn you have picked everything else why didn't you pick the cake too?" Cause man its true. She has been picking EVERYTHING! She doesn't let me put my input at ALL! Its not her stupid party its mine (and Victor's but he doesn’t give a damn). She knew that I was at Galveston and that if I wasn’t there by 7 I wasn’t going to be there. So why didn’t she go do that herself? She just needed to put maroon and white on the damn cake that I'm not even going to eat and that was it!! So then on the way home she's bitching at me and my brother just for fun. And in her anger she almost kills us on the entrance to I-10.
I'm pissed, but not because she bitched at me but because she hasn’t paid the damn SBC bill and I'm hella bored. I want to post this damn blog and check my damn email which is suspended right now! ARGH! I want to talk to my school chums lol…Chums ha!
So we go to Blockbuster and then to the hair salon cause Mayra wanted a haircut. So we finally get to Grandma's house and we chill…until the Time Warner guy comes…he was a sweet-hard-working looking man those guys that you could trust you know? from either Cuba or Puerto Rico he was black-Hispanic. Anyway, Marleny calls and asks if we want to go to Galveston. So we head out to Nelly's house and on the way to Galveston mom calls. She was heading out the door at the house. And she's like "Don't go anywhere! I'll be there at 6" and well I was already 30 minutes into going to Galveston and I don't think they were going to want to turn back just to drop me back off. So I don't say anything.
So we get there order some nasty KFC that we ate anyways cause we were hungry. Betillo, Mayra and I ride the waves, I almost drown. Some guy was staring hard at me. He was probably wishing that my top fell off lol. He wasn't in bad shape…lol but he looked like one of those construction worker dudes that barely crossed the border. Not that that’s bad but I dunno I'm just not into those guys.
So like at 830 we leave the beach and its pretty dark already. I see that there's a missed call on my phone and its mom. She had called at 745 and I call back and she's all pissed off cause I wasn’t there to go pick out the stupid cake for Saturday. And I'm like "well damn you have picked everything else why didn't you pick the cake too?" Cause man its true. She has been picking EVERYTHING! She doesn't let me put my input at ALL! Its not her stupid party its mine (and Victor's but he doesn’t give a damn). She knew that I was at Galveston and that if I wasn’t there by 7 I wasn’t going to be there. So why didn’t she go do that herself? She just needed to put maroon and white on the damn cake that I'm not even going to eat and that was it!! So then on the way home she's bitching at me and my brother just for fun. And in her anger she almost kills us on the entrance to I-10.
I'm pissed, but not because she bitched at me but because she hasn’t paid the damn SBC bill and I'm hella bored. I want to post this damn blog and check my damn email which is suspended right now! ARGH! I want to talk to my school chums lol…Chums ha!
Aaron's Bull Shit 6/7
He didn’t care…he didn’t give a fuck. When I lied to him about my "panic attack" he said and? I gave you one and how many heart attacks did you give me? (he has a bad heart) And you acted as if you didn’t give a fuck. So then I started breathing hard…and talking low. I'm a great actress but he still didn’t give a damn. He said…this isn't a call to get back together if that’s what you think. That hurt…because he always calls back and apologizes. But he only wanted to talk to me because I had hung up on him last night and he wasn’t done insulting me.
I want to cry but that would be stupid. I want to yell. I want to hit him across the face, leave a mark and make it sting. He probably won't hit me back but he would hit me harder with his hurtful words. I guess the things he said last night, some were right. And he was right that sometimes you don't have to a lie to a person to hurt them, you don't have to make things up to hurt.
Why does he say that he loves me when he hurts me so much. Is his hate a way to cover up his feelings for me? I want to throw up. I feel sick. I think I've been taking too many sleeping pills that don't fuckin' work! It hurts…this hurts so bad, but it will never ever come close to the feeling I had when I knew that I had lost Esteban…the year anniversary of that is coming up July 3rd. I'm mad with myself because I'm so infatuated with him that its actually making me feel as if I were in love with him but I know that I'm NOT! Or is it that I'm trying to hide it because I hate him. I hate him with all that I have. I want somebody to find him in a ditch somewhere. I don’t know. I want him to feel pain!!!
I want to cry but that would be stupid. I want to yell. I want to hit him across the face, leave a mark and make it sting. He probably won't hit me back but he would hit me harder with his hurtful words. I guess the things he said last night, some were right. And he was right that sometimes you don't have to a lie to a person to hurt them, you don't have to make things up to hurt.
Why does he say that he loves me when he hurts me so much. Is his hate a way to cover up his feelings for me? I want to throw up. I feel sick. I think I've been taking too many sleeping pills that don't fuckin' work! It hurts…this hurts so bad, but it will never ever come close to the feeling I had when I knew that I had lost Esteban…the year anniversary of that is coming up July 3rd. I'm mad with myself because I'm so infatuated with him that its actually making me feel as if I were in love with him but I know that I'm NOT! Or is it that I'm trying to hide it because I hate him. I hate him with all that I have. I want somebody to find him in a ditch somewhere. I don’t know. I want him to feel pain!!!
Monday, June 13, 2005
Hummm yeah
Aaron,
I don't know what exactly to say really. I want to have like...a day with you to explain everything that we have gone through together and exactly why everything happened the way it did. I know that I should be the one receiving the explanations. I doubt that this time you will get back with me. You have put me through so much and maybe I'm sounding like a broken record...I dont know what to say. I want to be in love with you. i want to be close to you. Maybe I dont need you to be my boyfriend but my friend...hahaha who am i kidding you already know that we cant be friends at all. Its either we're together or we're not. ohhh fuck you and your dumb self...I'm still angry at you!
I don't know what exactly to say really. I want to have like...a day with you to explain everything that we have gone through together and exactly why everything happened the way it did. I know that I should be the one receiving the explanations. I doubt that this time you will get back with me. You have put me through so much and maybe I'm sounding like a broken record...I dont know what to say. I want to be in love with you. i want to be close to you. Maybe I dont need you to be my boyfriend but my friend...hahaha who am i kidding you already know that we cant be friends at all. Its either we're together or we're not. ohhh fuck you and your dumb self...I'm still angry at you!
Friday, June 10, 2005
System Down again
so my internet is down again!!! well i've been writing so I will post whenever it comes back online. Right now I am at Mayra's house
Monday, June 6, 2005
I never...
I always knew that he was capable of hurting me. There was no doubt about that. Just now...he hurt me so much that I had to fake that I was having some kind of attack...and still he was like, "What?! Was this too much for you? Huh? Was it?! huh?" He wanted me to admit to him that I didnt love him. and after all of the shit that he told me...I finally did tell him. I DIDN'T want to hear him anymore. It hurts to cry. It feels as if I couldnt breathe.
ok...it passed
What an ASS hehehe if he calls me tomorrow I will throw a big fit telling him that I couldnt breathe and that I had a panic attack and blah some bull shit so that he can feel guilty. hahaha. And that I can never speak to him again and that I hate him...and "how could a person that claims they love me...hate me so much. Say so many hurtfull things. And yes...thank you, you have given me the strength to finally say no to you...I'm changing my number and moving early to San Antonio. The doctor said...and blah" lol I dunno I'll make something up. So now...he'll know that I can also hurt him...and really this isnt funny. I just laugh when I want to be evil.
ok...it passed
What an ASS hehehe if he calls me tomorrow I will throw a big fit telling him that I couldnt breathe and that I had a panic attack and blah some bull shit so that he can feel guilty. hahaha. And that I can never speak to him again and that I hate him...and "how could a person that claims they love me...hate me so much. Say so many hurtfull things. And yes...thank you, you have given me the strength to finally say no to you...I'm changing my number and moving early to San Antonio. The doctor said...and blah" lol I dunno I'll make something up. So now...he'll know that I can also hurt him...and really this isnt funny. I just laugh when I want to be evil.
Sunday, June 5, 2005
A Day at the beach
So yesterday we went to the beach. It was fun. I'm red right now hahahaha. I'm 5 different shades of brown seriously. And then JR called me when I was at the beach. I thought it was odd and he said that he couldnt stay away from me or whatever...and I'm like whatever..sure.
So Marcos ' party was alright i guess. The only reason I went was because Griselda wanted to go and well they needed to spend time together if they're going to hook up. Its so weird that it looks like he likes her but he doesnt like...show it at the same time. I felt really akward there. I wanted to leave as soon as we pulled up. And then when he came outside and he saw me...I felt really weird and bad lol. Well it wasnt like if I had any of his food or whatever. But I mean...even when you see a person you dont know thats with your friend you should say hi...cause its common courtesy right? Se Hace el...ehh i forgot the spanish word but the point is that he was all conceited It was just a place for me to sit down and listen to music. UGHH there was a lot of hoochies and some hoochies that should cover up cause it was gross. heh...I felt kinda weird...no not kinda TOTALLY weird. but yeah griselda said she had a good time so that should be all that matters right??
So then after the beach Aaron called me, he was in freeport visiting his uncle. Then he started his shit and I got pissed we hung up like at 4 in the morning. Vanessa called and she was all sad cause she thought that Joe was breaking up with her...who knows?
So Marcos ' party was alright i guess. The only reason I went was because Griselda wanted to go and well they needed to spend time together if they're going to hook up. Its so weird that it looks like he likes her but he doesnt like...show it at the same time. I felt really akward there. I wanted to leave as soon as we pulled up. And then when he came outside and he saw me...I felt really weird and bad lol. Well it wasnt like if I had any of his food or whatever. But I mean...even when you see a person you dont know thats with your friend you should say hi...cause its common courtesy right? Se Hace el...ehh i forgot the spanish word but the point is that he was all conceited It was just a place for me to sit down and listen to music. UGHH there was a lot of hoochies and some hoochies that should cover up cause it was gross. heh...I felt kinda weird...no not kinda TOTALLY weird. but yeah griselda said she had a good time so that should be all that matters right??
So then after the beach Aaron called me, he was in freeport visiting his uncle. Then he started his shit and I got pissed we hung up like at 4 in the morning. Vanessa called and she was all sad cause she thought that Joe was breaking up with her...who knows?
Cook..?
Aaron,
You think I'm some kind of maid? You're hungry and you expect me to jump and cook for you? HELL NAH...I don't buy into your Mexican macho bullshit. And you think that YOU....YOU are going to marry ME? Hahaha think twice buddy. I told you I wasn't brought up to be a house wife...hahaha very funny. Me a stay at home soccer mom? I dont think so. I want to do something with my life...yes maybe before the kids go to preschool I will be a stay at home mom, but after that I will do whatever i want to do because thats who I am, and I've told you so. So fuck you I dont give a damn if you're hungry or not. You have two hands and two feet use them.
You think I'm some kind of maid? You're hungry and you expect me to jump and cook for you? HELL NAH...I don't buy into your Mexican macho bullshit. And you think that YOU....YOU are going to marry ME? Hahaha think twice buddy. I told you I wasn't brought up to be a house wife...hahaha very funny. Me a stay at home soccer mom? I dont think so. I want to do something with my life...yes maybe before the kids go to preschool I will be a stay at home mom, but after that I will do whatever i want to do because thats who I am, and I've told you so. So fuck you I dont give a damn if you're hungry or not. You have two hands and two feet use them.
Thursday, June 2, 2005
Account deleted
So my mom didnt pay the internet bill but I'm still online lol I think thats weird but it wont let me into my yahoo account. Shit so it deleted eveything from my briefcase. ARGGHHH!!! I had important things in there fuckin shit.
I asked my mom if I could go to marcos' party and she was all like why do you need to go you went out today and the day before...the day before I had gone NOWHERE I was watching Lost's first episode I remember. i only went to pick up my diploma during the day, in the morning. What kind of shit is that??? And she just came from church. Church doesnt do any good to her. she was just fine when she left home. sometimes i think that she has gone crazy. and then she's all like "why dont you do something around the house?" and I'm like do I even get out of my room? NO! I cant make a mess if I'm ONLY in my room. I use the same damn waterbottle everyday. and i probably use ONE plate a day. she needs to buy disposables. She's all complaining that I'm ALWAYS in my room. Well, yeah I have a fuckin reason. Shes always bitching to me about some stupid shit that doesnt matter at all. Then i go get the invite list andask her which ones are getting mailed and she points to a list of addresses. And I was like I know, but are they only these? and then she's like only these? Dont you see that they are many...And I'm like ARGGGHHH!! I CAN SEE THAT SOMEBODY IS BEING A SMARTASS. THIS IS WHY I DONT SPEND TIME OUT HERE! THANK GOD I'M LEAVING! And I storm off.
minutes later...
I'm back from getting water for my mom...hummm i cut myself and my back hurts now. Just great huh? I'm majorly pissed. She's the one that leaves the house EVERYDAY and probably passes up a MILLION water places, but no she wants ME to go when i DONT get out of the house, i rarely smell fresh air in the summer haha. but yeah my cut hurts, it took off a chunk of my skin.
But anyways I had fun today. A bunch of us went bowling at Jillians. And then we went to Wings n more and BCW is WAYYYY better. We had a hottie waited named Carlos. he didnt seem like he was Mexican he had the cuttest dimples. And when we walked in supposedly some guys were calling my name...I recognized none. I didnt turn around I didnt hear anything, but when we sat in the booth that table was all looking at me. i didnt know who they were. I wonder who it was. Hopefully nobody that I ever went out with before. that would have been akward. Now I'm all wondering who that was. I'm skurred hahaha
I asked my mom if I could go to marcos' party and she was all like why do you need to go you went out today and the day before...the day before I had gone NOWHERE I was watching Lost's first episode I remember. i only went to pick up my diploma during the day, in the morning. What kind of shit is that??? And she just came from church. Church doesnt do any good to her. she was just fine when she left home. sometimes i think that she has gone crazy. and then she's all like "why dont you do something around the house?" and I'm like do I even get out of my room? NO! I cant make a mess if I'm ONLY in my room. I use the same damn waterbottle everyday. and i probably use ONE plate a day. she needs to buy disposables. She's all complaining that I'm ALWAYS in my room. Well, yeah I have a fuckin reason. Shes always bitching to me about some stupid shit that doesnt matter at all. Then i go get the invite list andask her which ones are getting mailed and she points to a list of addresses. And I was like I know, but are they only these? and then she's like only these? Dont you see that they are many...And I'm like ARGGGHHH!! I CAN SEE THAT SOMEBODY IS BEING A SMARTASS. THIS IS WHY I DONT SPEND TIME OUT HERE! THANK GOD I'M LEAVING! And I storm off.
minutes later...
I'm back from getting water for my mom...hummm i cut myself and my back hurts now. Just great huh? I'm majorly pissed. She's the one that leaves the house EVERYDAY and probably passes up a MILLION water places, but no she wants ME to go when i DONT get out of the house, i rarely smell fresh air in the summer haha. but yeah my cut hurts, it took off a chunk of my skin.
But anyways I had fun today. A bunch of us went bowling at Jillians. And then we went to Wings n more and BCW is WAYYYY better. We had a hottie waited named Carlos. he didnt seem like he was Mexican he had the cuttest dimples. And when we walked in supposedly some guys were calling my name...I recognized none. I didnt turn around I didnt hear anything, but when we sat in the booth that table was all looking at me. i didnt know who they were. I wonder who it was. Hopefully nobody that I ever went out with before. that would have been akward. Now I'm all wondering who that was. I'm skurred hahaha
Why...
aaron,
why is it that you make me like you so much but one little thing makes it all...go away. You make me hate you in a split second. I guess i do care about you huh? I feel as time with you passes I'm actually getting infatuated with you. Well...all I want to do is have sex with you. Now Its starting to feel better. I think its like a mental thing.
why is it that you make me like you so much but one little thing makes it all...go away. You make me hate you in a split second. I guess i do care about you huh? I feel as time with you passes I'm actually getting infatuated with you. Well...all I want to do is have sex with you. Now Its starting to feel better. I think its like a mental thing.
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)