Clips!

Weeds Disk 1

Aww had a fun time with the besties - @bunnynbam and @mman0919

I'm ubbbbbber sleepy
and I can't believe I ate...all that

Ok...Granted when I was in San Antonio, that was just a typical day. I would eat that PLUS MORE. But jesus! I don't eat like that anymore...so I feel like everything is about to come up. I feel disgusting. and we ate like 5-6 hours ago...ugh

Video will be up later today, but for now I need my sleep. its like 3 hours past my bedtime
Next wednesday will be at Shani's house. Its going to be our once in a blue moon visit. Since she lives all the way across town from me.

Follow your Fucking Bliss

I feel special

haha I was really wondering how this one foundation was. I mean I know its a drugstore brand and that sometimes I just buy MAC stuff...just cause its MAC. I was hesitant to buy it so I asked the lovely LisaSZ09 to do a review on it, and she did!

Too Little Too Early

I love Nicola...he makes such funny vids :)
and when I heard this, I was both surprised and impressed

My Soul

Last night, I fell right to sleep after i got home from the baby shower. My mind shows me no mercy. That even in my dreams - there he is. I had a dream with Juan...it felt real. It felt real because everything in my dream was accurate. Usually when I dream something is off. Like instead of going from the front door of my house to the the living room, I would go from the front door to a stadium. Or there is something in there that is off...like purple skies or a cow in the living room. lol Something random like that. This dream actually made some sense.

We had reunited because we lived in the same apt complex...They were really nice btw. it was really sunny...it felt beachy. I had just moved in and he lived in the building across from mine. I saw him when he was taking out the trash. He was wearing a white v-neck tee and some board shorts/swim trunks whatever they're called. If only that would happen in real life.

i saw him, and I was like OMG!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. According to the dream we got to know each other again, as friends. We came back to Texas together, and we were in my parent's house. He was here on this bed...holding me. I was talking to him about moving forward again. He hadn't made up his mind about forgiving me yet...

He got up and walked over to the kitchen, and I was thinking to myself "Shit, my parents are gonna know that he's in my room!" So I stood, peaking by the wall that separates the hallway and the living room. My mom and my brother were there, and Juan says something funny, and they both laugh. He was walking back to my room...when

The smoke alarm went off, and I woke up.

I've been in a terrible emo mood ever since I woke up.

I've been teary-eyed...and all sorts of gay.

I've been not-so-nice with Alejandro. As if I'm punishing him for not being as amazing as Juan.

I'm so sick of this fucking shit.

He took my heart, and I think he took my soul.

Oh The Law/Messy Mess

I made like one really long video...haha it was like 24 min long. So, I had to split it into two. Besides, they had dif topics to them :)

and UGHHHH!!! still need to fix the header lol that will be 3rd on my list

Four Wall Prison

Cancer x2

Rot bitch ROT!

Humm...

So everybody's off doing amazing things and Im just here, rotting away at my parent's house in Houston. I want to leave...go somewhere. Enjoy somebody else's company. I hate my life to be honest. I know that its not the worst life but its still a horrible one. lol. I wish I could be back in SA to hang out with Alejandro...or whatever. i just want some fucking excitement.

I should really go edit...I've been an extreme lazy bum lately

I need to quit breathing...

Fuckin' English Bulldog

Every time I feel something new for Alejandro, I feel more and more guilty. I keep on thinking about Juan. How much I miss him. I replay memories in my head over and over. I know I shouldn't. Its not even healthy, but I can't help it. Those memories keep on dragging me back to the past. In so many ways, I wish that they would just dissipate. Poof be gone. That way...I would be feeling ok. I wouldn't go forward with any regrets.

haha...but then I look back at them again, and I know that I would never ever trade my memories of Juan...EVER, for anything. They are my most precious.

I feel pathetic because when I think of our past, I fantasize about reuniting with him again. Making all of our previous plans a reality...setting up at a beach house with a couple of little ones and a fucking english bulldog. playing in the fucking sand. Having fun in the fucking sun for christ sake.

The few days before the weekend, all I thought about was UFC 100. That if we were together we would have gone together...gone to Vegas and stayed at the fuckin MGM. I had the stupid statue in my head...the lights...him in black button down shirt.

Jesus...I think my imagination has gotten out of hand. I'm imagining too much. Too many things that will NEVER come true.

Its fucking insane how much I love him when we weren't together for that long. How much he impacted my life. How sincere and clean my feelings were for him. I hate this. I HATE THIS! I am cursed with a love that I can't express.

i should sleep now.

must fix header ASAP!

follow your fucking bliss, bitches

Scary Dudes

geez...here I go again. lol I stopped liking the new guy as well. Maybe not...like stopped liking him naturally, but more like I had to stop liking him. I can't handle a guy like him. He's the player-type. and I don't play those games. I'm too old to be playing those games. Besides...I'm such a jealous girl...whoa. Like majorly jealous. Ugh he has this way of him that makes him hard to resist which irks me. Guys like that are scary.

I had a dream with Juan this morning. I like when I have dreams with him. Makes me feel that I actually still have him. I appreciate those dreams a lot. I wish I could dream about him every day.

July 4 & 5

Cancer

So I've been pretty lazy about my vlogs lately. I filmed two and I havent edited them. The one of my mom's graduation last friday is edited, but hasn't been posted or converted to .avi

So...my grandma from my dad's side has been diagnosed with colon cancer. That's what she has. She had a malignant tumor in her lower intestine I think...blah. nobody ever tells me anything. And I guess now I feel bad. She can't walk for about a month. I spoke to my cousin Elsa yesterday and she gave me the scoop. She was extremely concerned since she was partially raised by her. On the other hand I haven't really had that many encounters with her past the age of 13 and well i'm near 23 so that makes it 10 years. I guess thats why my dad didn't invite me to go with them. Not that I could have gone, or maybe I could have...whatever.

Yeah, idk. I don't think I will be that concerned really, but I guess she is a human being and I should feel bad that she is in pain.

----------------------

Not only do I feel slightly guilty about the whole grandma thing but...

I really like this one guy...and its not like Ray-like that faded away in a week...its like I REALLY do like him. and for some reason I feel guilty about it. I feel like I am cheating on Juan for some reason. I mean who effin' knows if he hasnt reunited with a girl over there in California. Yes, I still do fear that, as pathetic as it seems. Juan is gorgeous, and amazingly sweet and funny...why wouldn't some girl scoop him up? Juan is my snuggle bunny. Shit shit...I felt the tears coming up lol

Anyway, his name is Alejandro. He's 27...yes 27. He's Pentecostal...my grandma's religion. Ugh I hated when she was trying to force to convert me. In a way, that can be a problem since Pentecostal people live at church. I hate that. I really do.

I really hated that he read right through me. He said, "You are mean and tough around the edges, but I bet you are vulnerable" and that sparked a conversation...and I ended up telling him that I liked him, but that it was scary...to like him because I really hadn't felt much for anybody in a while. That was kinda hard to admit.

idk about him. I honestly want to stop liking him. lol I think he's a suspicious guy...that has secrets and such. I mean he's never kept anything from me. He's always answered any question that Ive had...but idk. I have a gut feeling.

Mega Bitch 2009

I sat here ready to write something. I had a plan in my mind as to what it was...now my mind is blank and my head is killing me. I feel like throwing up but I refuse to fall asleep until 8.

I feel like a freak of nature. That day that I went to the doctor, I had blood work done. The thing says

Blood counts are abnormal with increased transferrin - would recommend for her to see Dr. Iqbal - hematologist.

What the fuck else is wrong with me? On another note, my live enzymes at present are stable and decreased. which should be a good good news

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I''m a very mean person; I can totally admit that. Today, I was extra nasty.

SOme guy nicely told me to check something out for him and I said no I don't feel like it...fuck off
I felt bad...but not really.

I am really anoyed by Ray - the guy that I thought I liked but then I realized that I didn't lol. He keeps on asking me what the fuck is wrong, why am I not talking to him blah blah and told him straight up...as I could what it was. Today, he was being annoying...or maybe he just annoys me because I don't like him. lol. He was like,
"This girl always says hi to me at work"
"Thats nice"
"Everybody always knows my name here at work"
"Oh so you think you're popular now?"
"And I don't know anybody's name!!"
and idk...lol I just wanted him to shut up
"Maybe youre just the dick in the office that everybody just makes fun of behind your back"
and I ranted on making no kind of sense really. He didn't say anything mean back to me...He wouldn't cause he's a pussy. And in fact, it did shut him up.

Then later...Jon messaged me. And he gave me this BS about losing my number...
"I lost your number somehow can I have it again?"
And I'm here thinking, yeah right you probably just deleted it after I blew you off and now that I'm coming back to San Antonio on Monday you want it to meet up with me for stupid dinner. I don't know what exactly I said, but I accused him of "losing" it and then he said no that he didnt that it just magically got deleted off of his phone. That my contact entry was in there but not my actual number.
"How many times have you misplaced my number"
"I did I'm not joking. My phone must be acting up"
"That's too bad maybe you can look it up on your phone records"
"My phone is weird it deletes all of the texts if I delete one"
I'm guessing he deleted our text thread or something.
"I was meaning your call records online"
"I don't do my cell phone online"
...
"ok then"
I mean yeah I could have easily just given him my number again. And see him for stupid diner. And I must have said it so that we would hang out...idk. Why the fuck did I mention that I was heading back to San Antonio this weekend. I really just wanna head back to pick up my goddamn fan so that I won't melt away in this fucking oven called my parent's house.
He was being a dick...like if I'm going to fucking spoon feed him everything. UGH!! Its like I have to give him fucking directions on how the fuck he should woooo me. Like if I'm supposed to know how to run a man's game. It just pisses me off.
"I was simply asking. You don't have to if you don't want to"
ARGGGHHH!!!! I hate when people do that. IDK if I have mentioned that before but its like a big pet peeve of mine...you dont have to ifyou dont want to. The fucking automatic guilt trip. Assholes.
"You sure do know how to make a girl feel special :)"
"Ok I'm going to leave you alone..."
Gollie I hate having a horrible memory...but point was that I hurt his feelings...like really hurt his feelings.
"Ohhhhh I hurt your feelings"
"No I'm fine"
...
"I'm guessing this conversation is officially over"
"Yeah...we have nothing else to say"
"Ok I'm going now"
"Bye"
"AHHAA! I did hurt your feelings!"
"No..."

I effing did cause he didn't respond to the text I sent him. He made me regret it. What a sissy. Or maybe I'm just a mega bitch. Probably both.

On another note...I think I wanna have sex with a really hot artist. and I wanna go to a waffle house. I think I need to stop watching Dead Like Me.