Mom's Graduation

Cindy Don't Cry

I really hate being on my period because the hurtful feelings that I have/experience are just magnified. I spoke to Esteban about it...like I always do. Ha...sometimes I feel bad that he's always my shoulder to "cry" on. but I dont really cry I just vent. Haha...I told him that I was on my period and that I was highly sensitive and he was like...you must be because I've never known you to be sensitive lol. Its so funny how I always have that "front" for all my friends. I think the only person I've cried in front of for Juan is Vanessa (and Steven, but he doesn't count anymore).

I told him how I cried once I saw a car that looked exactly like his...haha. I felt really retarded cause it was a stupid reason to cry. lol I cried as soon as I saw it...hahahaha I was bawling. lol. I had to slap myself out of it, literally.

And now I'm crying because I saw an ad to Tiffany's and I remember him saying, "Just don't pick a ring that costs more than ten grand" and I was thinking...shit 10 grand? thats a LOT for an engagement ring...

I'm trying my hardest...but its haunting. Nobody has ever made me shine as bright as he has...and now, my light has been shut out. Esteban said, "We just need to find you another MMA fighter who loves cars"

I wanna let him go, but i'm not that strong.

I can't make myself do that. I don't want to find a fucking replacement. I can't find another Juan. He was one of a fucking kind. I can always find guys with Steven traits or Aaron traits or Oscar traits or Adam or Carlos or whatever the fuck, but Juan was special. WIth him I let go of the fantasy. You know, the perfect soulmate fantasy of the guy that has a million dollars and is great with kids...the mentally manufactured flawless specimen lol that you can never find. He didn't meet some of my requirements, yet I KNEW he was the ONE. I came to that conclusion...which in turn made me human. lol I consider myself a vile and evil person - therefore not human. For once, I put somebody else's feelings in front of mine.

Esteban thinks that I need to find closure...that when I go to California, I need to look him up and talk it out. That he needs to yell at me and tell me exactly how he felt. I'm so bad at planned confrontations...I get nervous. lol. Esteban thinks that I'm still not myself...and that I won't be until that happens. I guess he's right...and he should know - he's known me for like 6 years. He could probably blackmail me if I ever held public office.

I've been crying throughout the course of this effin' period. I've become such a cliche...At least I don't have angry-monthlys.

Periods Blow

California Dreaming

Blah x 1000

Dreams Dreams

I was watching a show about X-topic and I was just blah.

My life is just shit and I have done nothing to fix it. I am too lazy and too hung up on the past to move past it. I want everything to fall on my lap like if it were my god give right to be somebody special. I have become so unmotivated so mundane so unlike myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am pissing my life away like if I really had that option. My life is not what I figured it would be. The smart girl who wanted to be somebody has left the building like 2 years ago, and she hasn't come back since.

I could have graduated this past semester. I was doing great before the time that I left my dreams. I has a 3.25 GPA and now what its it? haha I don't even want to divulge the ridiculous insignificant GPA that I now have. How embarrassing.

I wanted to be a writer once upon a time and write stupid stories of heartbreak or even a story about aliens and how it would be to meet them describing them so stereotypically with silver colored skin. My vocabulary hasnt expanded much from middle school, and to be honest, that was probably the peak of my writing "career." I couldn't even write a history research paper to save my life.

I went after this business career because I thought that it would rain 100 dollar bills over my head. I thought would be set for life, and I would pay back my parents for everything I ever spent and every little bullshit smart aleck answer I ever gave them. I imagined being married to my engineer, or doctor husband and we'd have 4 kids and a dog. What a fucking joke.

I don't even want to imagine what kind of life the future has in store for me because I know its no good.

Yes, I'm a pessimist, but I'm also a realist.

Follow your fucking bliss, assholes.

Silly little Crush

All the feelings that I've had for anybody after Juan, I have forced. So two years of ever naturally feeling something and its been almost a year of feeling something. Its just a crush, but I haven't had a crush in so long that all of this feels new to me. New and exciting!

He likes all the vid games I like. He listens to the music I listen to. He actually knows how to cook. Idk I'm too effin sleepy to write more...explain later

Twenty-Tres

Hair Disaster

Forgot to add something AGAIN

FML

how could i forget my intro text? wtf?

Cat-chup

Unfinished Novel lol

And it goes like this :

I stared blankly into the hole in the wall where the air vent was supposed to be, while warm tears rolled down my pink cheeks. I was not sobbing, just tears. The love of my life had just walked out on me. He did it so easily, that I wondered if he had this planned all along. I pondered if he had somebody else in mind even when he blatantly denied it numerous times. I did not understand it. The news was a complete surprise to me. Just last night, I was speaking to my mother about how Aaron and I were planning to adopt a child. My life had been intricately been staged and planned around him.

            “How could he possibly do this to me?” I thought.

            I no longer felt like screaming, and cursing the heavens for my excruciating pain. I was faced with solitude, which I had not encountered in two years. I could not grasp the concept of how he could make such a radical decision without a hint. Everything since August had been going better than I could have ever had imagined. My fairytale relationship was unfolding before my eyes. I thanked God every time I could, to remind him of how thankful I was. The point in my life could not be more perfect.

             “I’m calling to say goodbye. I love you and always will.” He said.

            “What the hell are you talking about, Aaron.” I responded.

            “I’m just calling you because I wanted to hear your voice even if it annoys me,”

            “Shut the fuck up, Aaron. Tell me what is going on!” I demanded.

            He didn’t say a word.

I wrote this after this one time that Aaron had broken up with me. i think it was probably when he got married to that girl...Ha. I was such a silly girl that had no idea what LOVE was, real love. Not this verbally abusive, bi-polar nut case that Aaron was. Oh...the horrifying experience of a first love. lol

So...I will probably Vlog today. I've had to upload them to youtube to put em up. Its such an annoying process and since I am not partner I cannot upload more that 10 minutes now thats really gay.