It takes two

When i went to the Hello Kitty Unveiling, I wasnt planning to buy the medium makeup bag but i was suckered in by Amanda. haha. Thinking about it now, I am glad that I bought it. I take it with my everywhere.

Last night, Amanda came over, and we got plastered without even meaning to. I was forreeaall wasted, and I was about to get emotional about Juan. I mean nobody really knows about this inner pain of mine...it lies silent within me. Only 3 people know. I never spoke to Amanda about it because sometimes she can be judgemental, and think its stupid of me. Ever since the whole gay and vegan conversation...idk...whatever. I told her some things...and apparently I didn't mind that Patrick was here.

I started off the day very well...I wasn't even upset that I had to pay those damn 60 dollars. The Manager...wasn't the guy that I had hung out with, what a shame. I saw that bitch Celena...puta. lol I don't say that word, "puta." lol haha After the golf-cart parade and dinner, Shani and I watched La Mujer de mi Hermano. There was a lot of spanish cussing.

I went to work, two staff down. We had a sub. I hate subs sometimes, but to my surprise it was Jenean, a girl I really liked in summer camp. She was always easy going. It made me wish she would be Karina's replacement. I always got along with her. She's a good councelor too. One of my kids was having a serious tummy ache. She was crying and I felt helpless because we can't really touch them...side hugs would not be enough. Well, I always break that rule with Bella and Peyton. I loveeee those girls. I would want girls just like that.

We went to the Golfcart parade :) The fireworks were lovely. I don't really like fireworks, but whatever...I guess I was just soo in the Roadrunner Spirit lol. After, Shani, Manda and I went to TGIFridays. The situation turned sour all over breadsticks. It was a shame...and awkward.

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Esteban and I talked a few days ago, and he mentioned Juan. I froze. I wondered why the heck he would mention Juan...I thought that maybe he had read my blogs, and I was instantly embarrased. haha. I asked him, "Why did you say I still liked Juan? Why would you say that?!? I haven't even mentioned his name in months" haha...he noticed that I had freaked out and said, "Whoa. I was just messing with you"
"Why did you even mention HIM? Why not Adam or Steven or whatever"
"You've just never said anything bad about Juan...take it easy."
Gosh...I just freaked out...he hadn't meant anything by it. He HAD said it just to mess with me. ugh.

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IDK...why I was thinking of Adam today. I don't think about him AT ALL. its like he never even existed, like we never met. I realized it. I thought about that fact. A flood of guilt overwhelmed me. I don't even think I should feel guilty. i have nothing to feel guilty about. I guess, deep down inside of me I think we should still be friends. It does bother me that we are not, but then again...I guess I don't think of him very much cause I've grown to dissaprove of him. I have dissasociated him for the love I felt for him. Honest friendship...filled with so much love - trashed. Ugh, then again I still want to be his friend. I don't even understand it haha. I mean he doesn't HAVE to be in my life, but it would be nice if he was. then again our friendship has been tarnished. Fuck it. Our friendship is over. I can't fix it all by myself.

Useless

Tonight was supposed to be a flippin good night, but it wasnt. It wasn't even worth it. I was supposed to visit Jim, but he wasn't THERE! So, Boston Pub it was. As soon as we got there we felt soooo uncomfortable. Shani was like, "i feel like I just crashed a party" One of the bartenders was an ASSHOLE! Shani waved him to ask for a drink. He seemed annoyed...idk why, and asked what she wanted. he said ok and walked away and NEVER came back. He did it on purpose...and we are like excellent tippers. His loss I guess. Scott wasn't there, or the owner...forgot his name. I woulda set that straight real quick.

Other than that, my day was uneventful. One of my kids was being a real brat. OMG I swear I would have smacked the fuck out of him, if I could. I hate repeating myself. Its like he's bipolar. One minute he's the sweetest thing, the next minute he's punching people, throwing rocks, pushing poking....ahh!

I was watching YouTube yesterday...haha I have substituted it for actual television...anyway, I'm subscribed to DoubleSavingDivas, and they said that there was a free quiznos sub giveaway. Hell yeah, me and Shani took advantage of that hoe today. My economics class was cancelled. So, we took that time for dinner. Freebies taste so good. lol. My accounting sub prof was the SAME guy I was sitting across from on Saturday - the guy that made me feel all awkward. haha. He was actually a good lecturer. I actually understood. whoa!!!! So, if he teaches any upper level accounting courses I will sure as hell go to him. His notes are much more neat too.

Ugh, so when I roll over to my right side...it hurts. Its a different kind of pain. Before the liver pain was like dull stabbing...random pain. Only when I put pressure on it...well not always. Idk it hurts sometimes and then it doesnt.

I was speaking to my mother today...the whole thing is taking a toll on her, ad I feel guilty. IDK I feel like I'm useless over here. I can't help her like I'm supposed to. I was hoping that my brother had a different Spring Break than I did so that I could bring him over here for a week. To releave my mother of some worry...my sb I would be helpful by taking him and picking him up for school...blah but he has the same week off as I do.

Epiphany

So I was in Statistics class...I always half-way pay attention and then I feel guilty about it haha. Anyway, I wasn't even much thinking about this AT ALL, but it just came to me - I was NOT myself when I was with Steven. That was not Cindy. OMG. On the other hand when I was with Juan...now, that was Cindy. wow. I was always a bitch to Steven...well I can't say always cause he still "fell" for me...bleh. I didn't want him to go anywhere...be with anybody else but me. Who does that? A healthy relationship also requires time apart. I mean...after a while he was more into me-him only things, and I got sick of him. Then he got sick of me again. hahah what a bad cycle.

Juan was always at liberty to do what he pleased. I didn't mind. I trusted him with everything that I had. I trust him now. I would ENCOURAGE him to go out...to hang out with John, and that car club. I even said it was ok by me if he went to a strip club with some dude from work. As long I knew where he was, and he was safe...I wasn't phased. Thats amazing. lol

I'm not the same without him. I am somebody else. I've given myself away to other people when I wasn't supposed to. I need him to make me whole again.

How could I have forgotten the wonderful-ness of it all? I want to make it right. I want to take a chance. I want to try. I don't want to give it up. I want to love him more than I did before. I want to start again. I have this empty place inside of me. I hate the way I feel without him.

I was talking to Vanessa...She's going out with a guy named Steven, haha. Supposedly thats like her "love" and she's taking him like SERIOUSLY SERIOUS...haha. IDK thats hes deal. Anyway, I told her, "Would I move just to follow him?" It was like a question I asked myself, of course. lol. And I was like, "I'm not thinking that I would, but I'm not thinking that I wouldn't" Whoa! Slapped en la cara! I am absolutely absorbed.

Moving on, I actually showed up to my Marketing class today. It wasn't too bad. The big auditorium is supposed to be filled but nope, nobody GOES! Probably half of the class was there give or take. I found it very helpful actually. I had read the chapter beforehand, but when he went over his notes it seemed like we read two dif chapter...no wonder I failed the last test haha. I'm taking the optional final, so no worries.

I'm really frustrated with my hair right now. Obviously, I haven't had a trim since July, naturally it would frustrate me. The bangs I can deal with. Its not very difficult to cut them myself. So I thought to myself - I HAVE make an appointment SOMEWHERE! Ugh, I'm so broke its sad. lol. Its like, I'm living paycheck to paycheck. If its not one thing its the other. Ugh, I got a notice from my apartment complex that I owe like nearly 90 bucks...Say what?!? Yeah and it all started from a 15 dollar fine. What kind of bullshit is that?!? Tell me! I had already fixed this shit. I had spoken to the empty headed manager Celene, that insolent whore. She didn't document our conversation. She didn't follow through with what she had promised. So, I'm angry. I am really really angry. Since she didn't record it and made no changes to my account, and she claims to have forgotten, I have to pay that bull shit. And the lesser payment I had previously made was like thrown in the trash. If I don't make this payment this week, they are marking my dad's credit. UGH! I hate them, and just for that I want to move out. I'm HOPING that the assistant manager was this dude we had partied with last semester...and I can drop the stupid fine for at least 25 bucks. I need to sell my plasma...thats it. haha

Just Can't Find the Words

i haven't had that conversation with Juan. I'm scared. I always get the feeling of nervous-ness right before I call him. Ugh, I know that once I hear his voice all my worries fade away. Argh, but that feeling makes it hard to speak. haha. I lose myself in what I'm trying to say. I get this weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. That I-wanna-pee or I-wanna-throw-up feeling...eek. I shake, tremble. I practice over and over what I should say. haha. Indecision...frustration. ahhh! His birthday is around the corner. aahh.



OMG the love for him is just overflowing out of me. I was remembering some other memories...and now I'm crying again...lol. I feel pathetic. This one time when I did something for his phone...before we were even together.

thank u sweet heart
old man (I used to tease him because he always called me "dear" when we were friends)
fine. thanks BIRD (to him Chic=Bird...dork)
ugh, not even better
beautiful?
ok, thats better
i didnt say u were...i asked if that would be better thats all
Thats mean, I'm hurt
poor bird
I hate you
u LOOOOOOOOVE ME
NO
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE me
nooo
why not
cause youre mean to me, and youre gonna move away (he had always planned to go back to cali)
i dont want to anymore
Mentiroso. te odio!
I cant leave MS POCKET
whatever
unless u want me to...

I haven't been this upset in a while...LONG while. Probably since we broke up. I mean I've been upset after we broke up, but not like this. Shit! Its going to start all over again...Ugh, I shouldn't have started reading over those. I laughed, and cried...and now I'm just crying. I don't even have kleenex. Mas Triste.

The only reason he was going to stay was because of me...then the reason was because he was going to that automotive school...now after he graduates? what will be the reason for him to stay now? He has no reason to stay.

---------------------------------------------



I don't want to go to work tomorrow...or school. I just wanna lay in bed. I've lost a lot of motivation lately because of the stupid grades. I've actually been reading though, and the Study Droid application made it easy to study on the go. Blah. I hate school. I hate my job. Well, no not really. I've just been feeling extra lazy. I don't want my mind stimulated by anything.



Mario just got wasted for the first time since October. Its funny...and I'm glad sorta lol.

Random Note : I LOVE David Cook's haircut :)

Argh to the 2nd or even 3rd Power

Today a couple of my friends were heading over to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I really wanted to go...I love being out seeing things, and getting wasted lol. Besides the french quarter is absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't go cause

a. I am broke...haha 3 bucks in that bank account

b. I have this marketing study to do tomorrow

c. SI session on Sunday

d. I was working while they were heading over to Houston

e. I need to get back on track regarding school

f. I'm obsessed with buying mac products...anddddd



My mom has been in school to be a medical assistant, and she finally finished her "book learning" and is going into her month-long internship. Her internship, unpaid internship, started two days ago. She has to be up at 6am leave at 7am to arrive at 830 (ugh Houston's morning rush hour). Then, get out of work at 530...to be met up with afternoon rush hour and arrive home an hour later. So, my mom can't work her regular job and generate any income. This month is going to be tough on the family. I couldn't ask her for money, and I will probably try to cover at least my part of the cell phone bill and gas card. If she's broke so am I.



I applied for a new job...so I'll see what happens with that.



The grades on my first set of tests were HORRIBLE. I am embarrased to be honest. I have not been focused in class. I don't even know why I've even shown up. I am there physically, but my mind is somewhere else. So, my ass is going to SI sessions. I have to, I have no choice. I have to buckle down. This is my make it or break it semester. Ugh, all of business profs are always hard asses and never give out extra credit what a bummer.


Esteban has been calling me...Idk what to do so, I've just not answered. Until I figure it out, that is what will happen. As for JB...I've had the texting slow down A LOT, which is a good thing. Points will get across this way. Sort of. I just need people to understand that all I want to do is be ALONE...with one exception of course. Besides, i cannot have a significant other. I have no time, and I already know that the time that should be designated for others things will eventually be spent with the sig other. No bueno for the rest of my shit that needs to be taken care of.

Meh, to be perfectly frank, I don't feel emotions towards anything or anyone (except for him). Sammy was pointing out hot guys in Accounting class...and I don't like seem to get it. Idk. Most likely they ARE hot but bleh. lol I'm going to pull the "I'm emotionally unavailable" card. hahahaa. I don't remember how it was exactly quoted.

I found out somebody's secret tonight...and I just wanna spreaddddd it everywhere cause thats what I do. Well, I won't spread something that has been sworn to secrecy. I guess the only reason it hasnt been spread is because I haven't made up my mind whether or not this person is a good friend of mine or not lol. Silly.

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I went to the marketing study and got 6 bucks out of it without even knowing. haha I was the "proposer" and I to decide how to split 12 bucks. I didn't actually think that we were getting actual money out of it...not that my decision would have been different anyway. Though those 12 dollars could have been put to use at the CCO.

Shani's parents are here visiting. We headed over to San Marcos. i was excited because I looked up CCOs (Cosmetic Company Outlet) and there was one there. I REALLY wanted to get everything there. They had old Fafi and Heatherette pallettes. The even had the new studio sculpt foundation, but I don't know my shade color. I could only afford two. i got Emote blush that I had been wanting to get and pink rose paint pot. UGH I wanted to get rockilin or whatever too, but I couldn't afford it. I had to say no.

About a month or so ago I got re-measured for my bra size. According to the lady I had gone up a cup size. ugh. I didnt really believe her. How could I possibly fit a DDD? No that was not a typo DDD. Sure enough I bought some bras today, and I totally fit into em. I needed some bras too. Since I was at the outlet, I might as well take advantage.

Shani's mom ALWAYS goes into Dooney and Burke, Coach and that other one that starts with MK...ugh I really wanted a coach purse. It was the cutest thing, and in comparison to coach purses of that size at the actual store it was a steal for 140. I hate being broke! I hate not having money! I need that other job ASAP!

My xbox got the red ring of death...I'm angry. lol My xbox has a warranty but still...I don't feel like going to best buy. Ugh, I'm just glad somebody doesn't work there anymore. haha.

My grade in Stats has been fixed...it increased by 15...wooo! lol I mean shit that other grade was just all types of fucked up...and this one is just fucked up. lol.

True to Myself

I am utterly confused. I don't know how to move forward with this. How come I didn't realize this sooner? Why did I let other people come between me...and him? Why didn't I patch it up like...a sane person would have? How come I didn't tell him that I missed him too? How could I have possibly let my pride come in between me and my love? How did I get into a relationship that I never planned on starting? Why am I asking so many questions that I don't even know how to answer? What good do these questions do other than add fucking fuel to the fire?

Worst Mistake of My Life.

If my dumbass wouldn't have become such a zombie Dec 07, I wouldn't be asking these questions. As soon as it happened, I just gave up. Giving up is so much easier than not. I gave up mainly because I thought I didn't have a chance...when I actually did...ha. This information does me no good now.

I need to say it...
I need to stop hiding it...
I miss Him.
I want him.
I love him.

Oh shit...I said the L-word. I have decided that I do hate that word...in the romantic sense. Not that I say it in any other way anyway. I don't particularly like letting that word escape from in between my lips. The word "love" is thrown around so lightly, it looses its shimmer. I've said it to many dudes...probably didn't mean it 99% of the time. The 1% that I did say and mean it to has lost my love. They were in-the-moment loves. Those have dissapated. poof! goodbye! He, on the other hand is the 0.000078917292% that I did mean it for.

I spoke to Vanessa about it first. She was having some boy difficulties. Aww my poor twin :(. So, after she was done with her rant...I went on mine. For once I had something to talk about in like a month. I was finally honest with myself. I was exhausted...trying to bury it so far down. I didn't want those feelings to find the light of day. It upset me, annoyed me. I had finally reached the awweeee point. I was chill...a free spirit of sorts. *Cindy prancing around in a hill with wildflowers...sun shining* hahaha. Nothing had bothered me in over a month! I had been sober from the dramatics that I seem to create sometimes. ugh.

Gosh...went on a side rant haha. I was talking to her, and the more I spoke to her the more it became clear to me. While I was taking my trip down memory lane with actual words, a light bulb came on! Epiphany time! hahaha Its going to sound really cheesy but I think he was my soul mate. I said I loved him FIRST (he followed right after). He's the only one I've said "I love you" to before the other. Well...it went like this...
Would you marry me today if I asked you to?
Ummm...
Without a ring?
Silence
You wouldn't!
I would...
Silence - he got all serious (lol I know he would have said, "thats what she said")
Babe...?
Yeah...
Do you love me?
*pause* I think I do...
*pause* I think I do too...
I love you
I love you too
We both laughed...we were always laughing. Haha I have a big smile on my face just thinking about it. I remember it like if it were yesterday. And now I'm teary...because I'm retarded. The tears are from happiness and sadness, if thats even possible. Anyway, Twin is usually right about things...She was absolutely correct about the Adam ordeal.

What am I supposed to do? Call him and say, "Hey...so I don't think you should move because I just remembered that I am head over heals for you." WTF?!? Who says that?

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Dif Topic :
JB finally got the balls to tell me straight out that he has feelings for me. hahaha That he likes ME. Oh my goodness. I knew it already. I was just waiting for him to SAY it. I've been trying to discourage it...like ohhh how is an atheist going to look with a hardcore christian?? I even said, "I'm too much of a hassle, you've got a lot of things going on, and thats why we wouldn't work out" lol I think he took it as a joke. grrr. I was being really serious. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

The whole Esteban thing needs to stop for real. First it was tempting. Then it was like no...this aint right. now, Its ANNOYING. I'm not going to be some kind of hoe! hoe! side-line-hoe! lol thats a funny song.

Thoughts...

Fall '07...what a semester. It put all of those bad things in motion. Well, I can't say that they were all bad. I don't know if I would sacrifice the good parts to erase all the bad ones. I was so happy with him that fall. Only person who has really completed me. He's still my friend, and to be honest I can't figure out why. I know he hasn't forgiven me. Maybe its because I was good for him too, and I let him down. I made him change his mind about a lot of things...but after I admited my..."fuck up" he probably went right back to that mind set. His pain hurt me more...than anything. I loved him so much, and that's why I had to take IT out of the box I had taped and retaped to not allow it to escape.

I still can't get over this one time we spoke when we were both drunk...when he admitted that I had hurt him so bad...11 months, it took him 11 months to finally speak to me about it. It stung me. I wanted to cry...I wanted to take his pain away. I miss him. I miss the perfect relationship.

I know that people fall in and out of love...especially when young. But Omg...that depression after nearly killed me. I was sure that I would commit suicide lol. I just wanted to waste away. I wanted to step in front of a train. I was like bella when edward left. he didnt leave though. he just wasnt my snuggle bunny anymore. He would talk to me but it wasn't the same. It hurt me more than it helped me, but I didn't want him to stop. I don't know if I love him...still but I don't know if I don't.

These days I can't really imagine myself with anyone. I don't think I want to be with anybody. With all that I have, I wish I could change it all. There wouldn't have been any others. I wouldn't be on probation in school. Idk if I would change it...I know that all those things have placed me here. I am finally happy being with myself. On the other hand, I wouldn't need this if I had him.

He's moving back to California in a couple of months or thinking of it. I think the only time he enjoyed Texas was when he was happy with me. Gosh it hurt when he told me...my chin quivered, but I had to make my tone light. I want him near...even when I know nothing will happen.

I can't stop thinking about it...revolving over and over. Its driving me insane. There's no point to it, too! I need to stop. Stop torturing myself. I'm glad that the situation hasn't drowned me at least.

Ugh...I guess that's why I have been thinking of another too...what bullshit.

Down with the Sickess!!! lol

I've been sick for like 5 days now...and thats like a record. I don't get sick very often...well, I guess the liver thing is a sickness also. Whatever. lol. I've felt so much pain...its hardcore. My body is just limp (haha I said limp). My throat is raw. I have had to stick a tissue up my nose cause it was all drippy. lol. I think my kids are happy that I cannot yell at them. My voice is nearly goneeee. I can't breathe through my nose.

Speaking about my kids...one of my lovelies brought me a cupcake today from that cupcake coture? idk how to spell it hahaha. I love their mom...she's like one of those cool moms that you could probably like go drinking with lol. She's so fashion forward too.

Shani and I have been slacking this week...mainly because we have been bombarded by TESTS ahhhh!!!! I did horrible in my Accounting test. I'm so disgusted by the grade, yuck. I went in there blind to be honest. So, I guess the grade was better than what I expected. The night before I was bed ridden...lol. I didn't even think about Accounting. Next week I have two more...bummer! So much for going to San Marcos this weekend.

Since I only sleep during the day, I need to fill that in. My broke-ness has led me to apply for another j-o-b. I'm scareddd. That I may not be hired, or if I am I won't like the people. Ugh, sometimes I hate not being able to warm up to people so easily. I would love that discount though...awesomeeeeenesss

I'm growing ever so obssesed with make-up and MAC and nail polish and hair stuff. I feel weirdddd. I can't stop it!!!! I bought some Lowel-Cornell brushes yesterday along with some more nail polish. My nail polish collection has trippled in the last month. I guess thats where all my bar money is going...lol Aww, I miss my Jim.

This past weekend I went back to Houston. My Grandma's surgery went well. She is walking everywhere with that walker...She's always been a strong woman. She was trying to not take as many pills or whatever...knowing that she was in pain. NUUUHHH UHHH I set her straight. lol If you don't speak to her straight, she'll be stubborn. I also had dinner with my Uncle and my aunts. It was fun. I got really wasted. We chugged this HUGE ass margarita. It was straight up liquor, no joke. We had like 4 shots...fun stuff. Then, we got all in the deep drunk person conversation about keeping the family together and laying things out clear and on the table. Meh...I wouldnt have said anything if I were sober, and the topic has been bothering me for some time. I also learned some things...bleh. Its retarded. Its funny how lies and misunderstandings spread like wildfire.

I've been thinking about somebody...constantly lately. The thoughts are driving me up the wall. Not in a I'm-sad-about-it way, just in general, and looking at situations from the past, analyzing and overanalyzing. It needs to stop. lol. I don't miss this person...As a matter of fact, i don't miss any person from my past. Mehhh, just Juan of course. Otherwise, I am at peace. So...why? The little people working in my brain should just throw that filling cabinet in with my sickly mucus...lol I always think of that episode of Spongebob when all he knows is fancy restaurant stuff but not his name because the little spongebobs in his brain burned all the other memories.

Enough blabbing...I need to be up at 9 tomorrow to get ready to shop with Shani.

Money Money Money Money Mo-Ney!

I have none. lol.

Shani, Amanda and I went to the Hello Kitty Unveiling. how exciting!!! It was funny. There was a very muscular dude there with a huge Hello kitty head lol. We took a piture with "Daniel Kitty" lol. I didn't want to touch his shirtless body. Meh...my people...closeness...touching problem. haha We spent all our time trying to avoid him. One of the MAC people tried to hand me an ORANGE lipglass, and I wasnt having it, but in all the frenzy I accidentally marked that one. grrr.

Veganism...oh...I kinda miss it. I was having a conversation the other day with a friend about it. I instantly grew angry. I hate how people do not respect the lifestyle. It reminded me of how my family would not support me. How they would laugh at me, and say, "Ohhh you'll be done with it after a couple of days" Nah...it lasted more than that...weeks months year...Then I was just like...just STOP before I get angry, when honestly I already was.

In the same conversation we spoke about homosexuality, and I grew angry again. I know that people are supposed to have their own opinions. Ugh...this is why religion is NOT for me. Why should religion have sooo many restrictions? Religion is man-made. If one good person is catholic...and only their heaven is the right heaven then a good person who is gay doesn't deserve to go to heaven? See? Does that even sound fair? No. Homosexuality has been seen in nature...so if they do it why can't we?

I have to go to Houston this weekend. I am kind of looking forward to it. idk. I desperately need money. I feel like going to pawn stuff or sell some clothes out of my closet. I'm sure I can let go of a couple of pieces.

The doctor's appointment was pointless. I woke up super early. I drove across town. I waited like 30 minutes PAST my appointment time. He was like...so yeah it was what I thought it was. See you in 6 months. I was annoyed. I paid 20 dollars for a 3 minute conversation. Its not like I went for a freaking prescription...or for something productive. He could have called me. Thanks Dr. Serna for taking my 20 dollars which caused me to overdraft. fucker. My attraction to him...is gone. lol. which is a good thing. Besides...I won't see him for a whole 6 months.

My nails have been breaking constantly...lame.

The same conversation with him again...ugh last night. But I let him know...that it wasnt right, but it was like I had said nothing. He ignored me. I didn't want to answer the phone at first, but I did anyway. I hate it, but I want it. I hate it, and I don't want it. I wish it wasnt there...at all. Its barely there...which has stopped me from progressing it.

I'm going to ignore it. I don't need it. I am ok with my current situation. I enjoy my own company. I like the Spring semester's routine Work-school-Rec-Homework/studying/youtube lol.

One Thought to the other

I have my follow up with Dr. Serna today...I feel ugh. I don't want to go! He makes me nervous! But I am curious about the ultrasound. lol. And If I dont go...theres a fee hahaha. He takes my pulse...and it makes me even more nervous. lol thump thump in fast motion lol.

The Hello kitty Collection is almost here!!! AHhh!!! I'm excited...budgeting my cash. ugh, I hate pinching my money. Its LAME! Boy, do I miss those 250 bucks :(

I was talking to Vanessa earlier and we were talking about how we don't have money for the things that we would want. That we're living paycheck to paycheck. that our parents are living paycheck to paycheck. Its so sad. Everyone I know is HURTING financially. I feel guilty for going to school in San Antonio. I wish I could go back to Houston, but I've taken so many hours. Bleh.

Shani and I finally bought a vac lol. We had been meaning to buy one for like a year now. We do have a SMALL one but its lame. At Target we had actually grabbed the wrong one, and we only noticed it was the wrong one when it was scanned and paid for. We returned in before we left the store at least. Once we came back home, we were eating some pei wei...mmm...Kung Pao tofu :) and watching the Super Bowl. We finished eating and decided to open the box. We spilled over the box and were like, "WHAT we have to put this together?!?" lol Of course we had to. An upright vac could not have fit in that box.

I finally started the New Moon audiobook. I finished Twilight before Christmas...I just hadn't gotten aroud to NM.

Rearranging my room - My desk has turned into my vanity. lol I'm actually using my red chair now. I like my new sitting area. I love this chair its so comfortable :) I also put the red sheets back on my bed. I've lost all feeling towards it. I missed the red color.

I need a haircut, now. ugh, My hair has grown out SO slow. I refuse to cut it until JULY lol. It feels like straw when I don't have anything in it.

I don't know why I can't stop talking about it...seriously. I'm so happy. There are so many things that I can be unhappy about, but I haven't let it bring me down. Back to the conversation with Vanessa. She said, "I like having drama in my life, the excitement" I, on the other hand, don't and thats why I'm happy now. Spending time with my goddamn self has been theraputic.

He called me again last night. Ugh...I'm sick of it to be honest. I don't want him to speak to me about those sort of things. They are forbidden! I have decided that I will put a stop to this. Its not fair for me, its not fair for her...NO ONE! lol He said something that described me oh so well..or describes me as I am to everyone right before I become that vulnerable-gooey-eewwwness of a girl that allows herself to be trampled on by the "special" guy. He said, "Cindy, I know you. Behind that hard outer shell, you're such a good girl"

bahh! F that!
Time for a shower.

Me, I did that?

I've been on a cleaning spree these past two days. Room, laundry, dishes, kitchen ahhhh!!! Lol a lot of dust got on my and I was itching a lot. I was like Massive amounts of dust! Itchy!! Allergic!! Ahhh!!! lol My deask though...still the same. I need like an area fo my makeup. Its like doubled in the past month. I found a place for my nail polishes, because I cleaned out my drawers in the bathroom and I organized everything under the sink. I had been meaning to do that for months. I rearanged my room too...exactly why I got so dusty. I moved around my small seating area - which consists of ONE chair haha. I also moved around my artwork, to be more...like balanced. The big-huge xray is above my bed and the 300 and war kiss posters are on either side of it.

And Ive been YouTubing...like...all the time lately. I think I've substituted television fo YouTube. I saw the most amazing video...most helpful video ever! Well, it was especially helpful because I have let my eyebrows just do their thing for the past three weeks. yuck. lol. I mean I did like a slight clean up like a week and a half ago but all ghetto...lol I can't find my tweezer and I have THREE pairs. what the french? lol. So, I used other methods. Anyway, the link is THIS OMG...Amazing-ness. I never thought that I could thread my own eyebrows. Its so much better than tweezing, and faster...it took me 10 minutes to like 80% grasp the technique. haha I was done...and had nothing else to thread. Gotta practice more when they grow back in.

I went to Target and Sally's yesterday. I bought more nail polish, and nail dryer and hair stuff and some cereal and more stuff. I got this most amazing shade of purple EVER! I love it so much that I wore my only purple shirt and put on some pink and purple eye shadow (that has now creased on me...what happened there?)lol...I'm retarded sometimes. I got this back comb-brush too. F that teasing shit...lol.

My "love hurts" ring fits so much better now. :) yay

I answered a call at 4 am last night...It was a trip. That saying, "Drunk words are sober thoughts" was totally true at that point. haha. I mean everything he told me, I already know. I've BEEN knowing this for a whole year, and then some. Its not some fucking news flash. We've never had good timing. 5 years and not one "right" moment. lol. I know him through and through. He knows me through and through. We don't have many things in common...if any, except that we both know how to speak spanish haha. Putting that aside, we get along like no other. We've had feelings for eachother ever since we met eachother, but its never happened. We've talked about it so much this past year. lol...how we aren't meant to be, but should be. I hate talking about it though...its faggetry. Like last night, I didn't want to talk about it. It makes me feel really uncomfortable because he has a gf. I don't know her...she lives in Nac. but just cause I don't know he and don't care for her doesnt give me the liberty to bogard (like Shani says) my way into their relationship. haha.

He wants to hang out when I go back to Houston. I do want to also, but seeing him and being around him makes me want to cross lines that shouldn't be crossed. I spoke to him and he said that he'd want to too, and thats not cool. I know that we can BOTH contain ourselves. He can be a gentleman - I can be a lady. I don't wanna risk it. I'll prob give in in March...haha. I'm not planning to go during Feb and this upcoming weekend, I'll be in the hospital/gmas house cause she'll be outta surgery.

He wants to come over here. He's been meaning to come over here once I give him the green light, but man...what is he gonna tell his gf? I mean she knows of me, exactly why she doesn't like him talking to me. Ugh, its so fucked up too. Whenever he tells me about their problems, I've always given him positive advice, not break-up-with-her advice. She should thank me...I've probably prevented them from breaking up so many times. ugh. The Cindy Advice Line should be CLOSED. lol.

Bleh whateverrrr...tra lah lah lah lah
I'm brushing my f'in shoulders off bitches.
:)