Being a Scaredy-cat

Seems like everybody around me is havin the time of their lives and I'm stuck here in a neverending circle of anguish. I was actually thinking of calling Esteban today but I decided not to. Sometimes I feel like such a woos (as John would say), however you spell it. I feel that if I call him i will only end up hurting or being ignored by him because his little hoe is calling him. I still have the strong desire to spill my guts to him...to get this load off my shoulders and just tell him how i've felt this past year, but I fear that that will be a very bad idea and I will end up pushing him farther away than he already is.

I'm still anxiously waiting for Aaron to come around...why is it that its almost as if it were an obssesion. I need to hear from him...I need him with me...I need him here. I wish he would be stationed here in San Antonio...ahh...that would be awesome. who knows if he was lying to me in the first place though...I'm still beating myself up...cause I didnt pick up that one day...when I received his message...why doesn't he call me again? His 9 weeks are up arent they?

I was talking to John yesterday...the first time since he got back from his little Rita road trip hahaha. It was so fun...or maybe I was just in a good mood. He said I didnt sound so funny, I just sounded as if I had a lisp. (so far Ive talked to both my parents numerous times and they havent said anything). For some reason i told him a lot of things that I only talked to Aaron about. Aaron is the single person that knows me more than I know myself. That always weirded me out and he always had the upper hand. John's always told me that I can talk to him about anything...I guess I am talking to him about anything.

Waiting for your arrival

Aaron,

Ok...its been just about 9 weeks now since you left...you haven't called me. you havent contacted me...whats going on? I feel like such shit...!!! I wonder if youre safe I wonder if you returned but went away again. I've been thinking about you night and day...I miss you and I burst into tears everytime I think that you will never come back to me. Thats just feeling like...its going to be true...and I guess its all my fault. why didnt I call you? why did I have to be all fucked up that day? I'm such an idiot....

My piercing

After the whole Rita ordeal...with my mom arriving here at my dorm in 22 hours when it is a 4 hour trip for her. I overslept twice and missed a test...I'm so pissed off and I feel that I will fail that class. I feel like I'm going to fail every freakin' class if I don't get my act together. So I actually showed up to class today yay!

But anyway on Friday I went to see Flight Plan...it was a dissapointment. At least I didnt pay for my ticket. Anyway...then Saturday was Jose Luis's party... a lot of strangers there. But whatever. he got a shit load of presents. my aunt ended up getting kidney stones and was taken to the hospital. But a few hours later they all decided to go back home. After that me, Mayra and Shani decided to get piercings. We arrived at this placed called the G-spot and it was about 1am and they closed at 12 but the HOTTIE let us in and we got pierced. Obviously I had my tongue pierced so did Mayra and Shani got her belly button pierced. I was so scared but it was no biggie. Afterwards was when it did hurt hahaha. Its calmed down now. its swollen though...

That day we met mayra's best friend Amanda...she's cool. I don't automatically like most people but I automatically liked her...so she must be cool hahahha. We went to ihop...like every late night run lol. Shani got hit on by the manager. but he never called her. We were going to smaoke weed...but then we didn't. I dunno...I feel like trying everything once I suppose. I mean I doubt I could get my hands on some more so whatever.

This weekend

This weekend was Mario's bday shindig...it was hoot hehehehe. I got so fucked up...ehhh I'm sleepy

Sleep deprived

Today is the mark of the second month since Aaron left. Am I supposed to waiting for him to call me? I'm scared... hahaha

John, ha! I havent talked to him since Tuesday...I was so pissed and sad friday night, did he care to call me and calm me down? NO...so then I just burst into tears...cause I knew he didnt give a damn about me. I felt so alone...unwanted. God, i feel like such crap...!!!!

I have been having trouble sleeping the past few days, having bad dreams about Amber being an alcoholic...and what not. I'm so sleep deprived...Maybe if I cry long enough I will be able to sleep...

Nothin to do

To be an idiot you dont need to study

I received my replacement phone today, so when i received a call from a number I didnt recognize...again I thought it was Aaron, but it was Esteban to my surprise. I didnt enjoy that at all. Fuck it. I don't feel like dealing with the emotional side of things...not anymore. Well maybe thats just something I'm saying now cause I'm hurt and angry at the same time when I really shouldnt be because me and Esteban are long from over. SO we talked for about 15 minutes and then he said he was going to callme back, he didnt call me back until like 20 minutes later so yeah and then we spoke for like 5 minutes...his line clicked. I already know the drill. When the line clicks that means he needs to let me go. Ha...I'm stupid enough to think that he will actually click over and stay with me. All he talked about was this slut (he described her and I conclude that she's a slut). He's like chasing after her and all throughout the conversation i just felt like shutting him up.

I guess I still wish that he will call me one day and want to see me again...What a naive idiot! My Jordan wearing fool will never pay attention to me again. I have just turned to this girl that he likes to keep in touch with. I'm very confused about that cause I know for a fact that when he stops talking to a girl, he literally stops talking to them. Why does he still call me? I wanted so bad to tell him how I feel...how I felt all through this year, but everytime its like the line clicks and now I just think that I shouldnt say a damn thing. Its a sign, maybe.

I told John about it and he was like...lets go out...I was like what the fuck? he must be out his damn mind...ugh gotta sleep...

Social Rejects

I've been here what? a period of three and a half weeks and have I made any friends? nope not one damn friend its so...argh! I've never been in a situation where I cant make any friends. i was the new girl for about 5 times and there was always somebody there to lend me their hand in friendship and now I am an outcast. I envy my room mates they go out ever weekend and have friends over a lot (which annoys me). I want to be able to annoy them with my friends. Everybody just seems like they got shit going on and going places and where do I go? To the fuckin flea market. I certainly felt like a pest there. How I wish that all the people that were supposed to come down here would have. So much loneliness...I feel like the world is superficial and that I am not appreciated because I dont have a pretty face and a size 5 body.

Back to School Again

I took a 4 day vacation. which felt so long but short at the same time. Mom, grandma and my bro came over here for the weekend. At first, I don't know why but everything was annoying me. Mom just says things that are obvious and she thinks that theyre so new! or something I dont know. We went to Walmart and ended up being there for like 2 hours cause my bro wandered off. I bought the second season of Nip/Tuck so now I'm ready for the incoming season yay! Me & Shani saw the whole season in two days hahaha. Then the next day we had breakfast. Finally no more cafeteria food or frozen food! lol Then we headed towards my aunts house. We stayed there for a while and headed to Jim's to have lunch. Then we went seperate ways. Me and Shani and the girls went with my aunt to the Flea Market. Let me tell you, I havent seen so many ghetto Mexicans in my life...lip liner no lipstick, painted eyebrows in weird shapes, tatted up everywhere, baggy pants. lol Then after walking for about an hour we headed back home. The girls were restless. but we went to the Quarry to Old Navy. i am in dire need of new clothes. Everything is either way too loose or way too tight. ugh...

On Labor day me and Shani decided not to step outside the dorm. We were so fucking tired from the past few days and from the lack of sleep.

I talked to John 3 days in a row and I kinda got used to it. He didnt call me last night...it made me kinda pissed lol. I dont want to be clingy so thats why i refused to call him, or any other guy (just Mario...He doesnt count). He is getting sweeter with me...what is all of this supposed to mean though? I want to see him when i go back to Houston, but I don't think thats going to be able to happen. I will be occupied with other things. This weekend is Chicken's Bday and I doubt that he will want to go to a Gay club. He's far too pretty for that, I might get jealous lol. then the next weekend I have to spend friday with Mario and Saturday with Chicken. I could take him to the 15, but I don't think thats right. He'll feel weird and I will too. I'll just wait until Thanksgiving.

I was back in class today. The RA is back to his usual self. he sat next to me and he actually stayed there for the whole class. Maybe it was because I was sitting next to him and he woulda felt weird IDK. But he was asleep the whole time. Its like why are you wasting your time showing up? Maybe he is one of those people that can fall asleep in class and still pass. Who knows? All I know is that I can't be that way lol. Then in my Political Science class I liked the opening discussion. Race and the disaster in Louisianna. I was surprised that this one white guy said, "Why do we have 150,000 people somewhere else, when we need them here to help us?" he was refferrring to the troops in Iraq and everybody was in an uproar about his comment but I was like Go White boy! he has some balls lol. And then this other guy from OK predicted that in some years New Orleans will be white. That the people that have land in NO will sell it cheaply and that the whites will prosper and gain from this. It was a good prediction. "What are you going to do when you see the piece of land where your house used to stand? You will not have money to rebuild and if some white guy tells you, 'hey I'll buy your land for 5,000-10,000' dollars what are you going to say? Of course youre going to take it, there will be some kind of money for you at least. The whites are going to be glad that they dont see a blask person in some odd 100 miles" I thought it was funny. But then the lecture came on. It was so disorganized. I know now that i will have to read if i have any chance of passing that class.

He admitted it

John finally admitted to me that he liked me. I don't know how to take it...No I DIDNT force it outta him, he was the one that asked me. and of course I like him and he knows that but he was like i want you to tell me...and after sometime I gave in and told him that i did and he was like, "I do too, in more ways than one" I dunno how to feel so i was feeling kinda weird...then he was gonna let me go cause he is going to work today and he was like, "Blow me a kiss" and i was like...uhhhh WTF? lol. too weird too weird I havent had some romance in my life for months now...Now...i will go to sleep...I need to think much tomorrow...my mind needs rest. i need to figure out what to do about this...what should my next step be?

Clinging

I was talking to John last night...yeah I guess you can say i can get over things easily when it comes to him. It seems as if I cling to him for dear life, as if he were the only person who can keep me sane, keep me from going bananas. I need to cut myself loose and let myself fall...but it seems impossible for the moment. He brings a smile to my face everytime he speaks to me. Sometimes he steps out of his way to make me feel better when its not even his place...he's not my man and probably never will be. I understand the logic by which guys are little players and what not. I'm no longer naive to think that everybodyis like me, in search for that special someone.

I miss Aaron...our stupid dysfunctional relationship kept me together...now thats not around anymore and I'm confused on what to do...should I wait a bit longer? should I look to somebody new?

Esteban...gosh I still think about him everyday. I wonder what he is doing, how he is doing, who the girl is that is now enjoying the light he brings...The happiness that experienced with him will forever follow me even when I am erased from his memory. The excitement that I had when i was just getting to know him still exists in me...but i have accepted that i am no longer somebody he looks towards to for anything...just a mere chat. I need to let go...somehow