He's somebody else, I am somebody else

As you all know I suck at life, and everything along with it. At this moment I am fighting sleep because I just feel like torturing myself, when my body is telling me to go to sleep. I spoke to Michelle about the subject further. She advised that I should get over it...again and again. I was convinced. Truly convinced. And I was serious about it. Putting Juan in the back of my mind is the best thing. You know it, she knows it, and I know it, hell the old lady down the street probably knows it too.

Right now, I feel like I can't. I want to call that person and ask about Juan. I want to call Juan to see if his number works. I want to just STOP. Its hard. I don't know how. I want to be free of this. I've been "loving" him too long. bur I don't want to love somebody else. I'm stubborn and I hate it. I hate myself for being this way because I cant stop myself. I cant imagine somebody else living up to my expectations and I cant imagine loving somebody else the way I loved him. I want to put these feelings in a lock box, forget the combination and throw it in a bottomless pit. I want it to stop haunting me, him, the mistakes, the lies, the heart ache. I want to forget that it even happened. Now, my pain meds have worn off and I want to cry some more. great.

I know that I'm not the same person I was nearly 4 years ago. I'm not the same. He's also not the same person. Things along the way have probably changed us...I don't know. I'm not what he wants...a liar, a deceitful liar. I wish he would have just gotten to now the "real" me from the beginning, and not something fabricated from my mind.

If I could go back in time, I don't know what route I would have taken.
A. Shown the real me
B. Never have gotten so close to him
C. Ended it differently

it all doesn't matter...why obsess? why think about it? why waste time? why not move on? why not love somebody else? I guess what upsets me more is that I'm NEVER going to see him, I'm never going to hug him, I'm never going to kiss him, I'm never going to hear sweet things from him ever...NEVER, EVER.

I'm broken. I'm defective. I'm no good. I'm a failure. I'm so depressed. I am somebody else, a very sad version of myself.